one year later

Bizarre.

That's how I feel right now.

I've been meaning to write a "one year later" post for, well, however long it's been since Easter, but I haven't really had much to say.

I'm still a completely messy person, basically dealing with the same things I was dealing with last year (just in slightly different forms), working on the same issues and making very similar mistakes.

I think one of the biggest myths about Christianity is that once you accept Jesus into your heart, your life becomes perfect, and you don't have any of the same problems that you used to. It's like the miracle secret serum that will take all your worries and cares away.

I'm sorry, but Christians can be some of the most messed up people I've ever met (and I say that in the most loving way possible). Let me just dispel that myth right here and now. And yes, we are all hypocrites. And the ones that say differently, or put on some mask that lets you think otherwise, are big fat liars.

As far as suffering goes, the perception is that you either go one way or the other: you become stoic and unaffected by how truly f-ed up the world and other people are (e.g., the Stepford wife...or that cold unemotional "manly man"...or those people that are constantly smiling and always "good"), or you become a masochist, identifying yourself with your pain and suffering and "woe is me because my mother did this and that so I will always do this and that and listen to my problems" and "I am so much closer to God because Jesus is the only one who understands my pain."

I'm really not trying to sound angry or judgmental here, because this is a trap I've fallen into myself, and as someone who looked at the church from the outside-in for so long, I just see it happening and that this is a huge stereotype that the church holds; the stereotype that it's either a bunch of delusional conformists or a bunch of people who want to suffer through life and talk about it (because what else could you talk about living such a "repressed" lifestyle?).

I want to dispel this stereotype as well. Both of these are complete misrepresentations of the freedom we're given when we live with the Spirit, and after seeing my friends in church and myself just grow immensely (yet slowly and over a period of time) those stereotypes are being shattered. There is a difference between joining a Christian-like "club" and genuinely pursuing who God is and the transformation that ensues from having a relationship with Him. It starts small though (at least it did for me). One of the verses that I totally related to in my experiences last year is that when we first become filled with the Holy Spirit, God "removes the heart of stone and gives us a heart of flesh." We are more aware of the suffering of the world, our hearts break for the broken easier, and the church's problems also start to become our problems. Naturally. Organically. Not because we "should" or "so it is taught," but because you are drawn (slowly, eventually) to love people you might not normally love, to have compassion for people you might have previously judged.

Umm...so I guess what I'm trying to say...is that I'm starting to feel much more compassion towards the Christian church as a whole. I still have my resentments that tend to bubble up over time, and I still see some church people stir up more drama than high school girls, but my attitude towards the people have changed. I have seen incredible women and men grow over this past year and witnessed how they have become bold, selfless, compassionate, and patient people who want to love each other (which doesn't always mean telling the other person what they want to hear...sometimes we need people to step in and shake us up a bit) as much as God does. Because when you begin to understand how much He loves us, and how much He cares for His kids (aka all of us) and gives them everything they need...you can't help but do the same to others. You start to see everything as just a beautiful mess, which can make you burst into tears with both joy and sadness.

I guess what I mean to say is that one year later, I am still a mess, but I have faith because a real God pursued me last year in incredible ways, through Jesus. He says my sins are forgiven (justified) and I am perfect and loved regardless because of Jesus, and I believe it. "Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.  Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.  For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God." (Romans 5:1-11)

....yeah. That's basically what I mean. And somehow, even  while I'm writing these words one year later, God still constantly reminds me of who He is and how He stays faithful to me. This isn't just a club you join, it's meeting the most powerful God of the universe and your creator. It's finding out the truth of the world, and the beauty in the mess. It's standing firm, even if that means just standing and waiting for the storm to pass. It's hope. It's finding out what unconditional love really  means.

So maybe I learned more in a year than I initially thought.

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In other updates, life is really good. I just had a great mom's weekend, I don't have much homework left (so I can finally do things like this and Race prep stuff). Some of my best friends from my sorority are coming to visit next weekend, and I can't wait to see them. I'm just working away and waiting for the sun to stay out more than a couple hours so summer can start :). I also just bought my training camp tickets. Training camp is in July, and a couple of squadmate friends and I will be doing a roadtrip of the south before (we'll be couch surfing, so if any of you have a spare place for us please get in touch! I'd love to see you :) ).

Also, I'm selling Threads of Hope bracelets for my race (I have to raise support as a part of the trip). They're really cool and made by families in the Philippines--one of the countries that will be on the WR--so it's a great way to support not only myself but also some of the people I'll be serving next year. Get in contact with me if you're interested, or if you're in Pullman just send me a text/fb message or stop by...they sent me a HUGE selection of colors and designs, so come check it out! :)

the fear and the loathing.

I'll admit it. I was scared of Las Vegas. Something about that city makes me feel like I could get drugged with some roofies like the wolfpack did on the Hangover, and wake up toothless and married to a stripper (wait, what?).

So this past spring break I went to Vegas with a bunch of my sorority sisters. There was something inside me telling me that I needed to have this last trip with them before I left for the WR, and that I would regret it more if I didn't go than if I did. This ruffled a little feathers, because "that just didn't make sense for a new Christian" and "why would you want to go to sin city." More than one person said things along these lines (okay, understandably). But you know what? I've learned that I need to listen to my own convictions and I am so thankful that I did.

About halfway through the trip, I got an infection on my leg. I wasn't really going to do anything about it but then my inner thigh started to blow up like a balloon, and then started to harden and get purple, so I called my mom and she said I should probably go to the hospital and get it checked out. That sounded pretty lame to me but I know she's not the type of mom to haphazardly send her kids to the hospital. So I put on a bright pink shirt, did my make-up, and put on my swimsuit underneath so that I didn't look like a hungover kid that couldn't handle a couple nights in Vegas...and because my friends were all going to a pool party and I planned on being back in time. I was going to be as peppy and non-spring breaky as possible, and brought my  Obama's War book to offset the pink. (Which probably all made me look more spring breaky now that I'm typing all of this...but c'est la vie).

I went to the concierge desk with a big smile on my face and asked where the nearest hospital was. The woman kind of hesitated (yeah, you hesitate. I look 100% healthy thankyouverymuch), and printed me out directions. I took a taxi there, which ended up setting me back like $15, and walked in. The place was packed...but not with the people that I expected. I thought I was going to find a bunch of toothless people trying to find clues about their previous night's whereabouts. But no, these were regular people. Actual Vegas people. Old men with their wives. Moms with their kids. People trying to find a good spot to see the T.V. because they were about to announce the verdict on a court case on HLN, which was the only thing playing. I filled out my papers and turned them in, and the woman at the front desk told me that it would probably be a two hour wait because they only had two doctors on staff that day. Lucky for me I had Obama and General Petraeus to keep me company because this was going to be a lot longer than I expected.

Once I got called in, a soft spoken Latina woman took my vitals. She seemed really tired, and I tried to small talk with her but she was so distant I didn't want to distract her from the numbers she needed to record. This made me sad. My doctor came in, and I asked how he was and he said "overworked and underpaid." I told him I was on vacation, and he asked where I was saying. I told him, and he said he was about to buy a condo there, that they were selling them for 800 gs and he luckily ended up waiting because the market had brought them down to 250. He laughed at my Obama's War. He told me my vacation was "over" because I'd be on antibiotics and I couldn't touch anything alcoholic for the rest of the trip. He prescribed me what I needed, and told me to put heat compression on the infection so it would pus. This was all within about five minutes.

Thankyouuuuuuuuuu sir. May I have another.

I asked the woman at the front desk where I could fill my prescription, and she gave directions to the nearest Walgreens. It was about a ten minute walk, and within those ten minutes I got more honks and cat calls than I have in a looong time. One guy even turned into the nearest parking lot to watch me walk. These things don't really phase me, I mean I was on a busy street and if anything were to happen there would be more witnesses than its worth. Plus I'm this blonde girl wearing white shorts and a pink shirt...I don't necessarily fit in off the strip. But it made me feel bad for the girls walking out there. I know prostitution is legal there, and walking by myself, particularly waiting at the crosswalks, made me feel on display. I hate that feeling, and can't imagine what it must be like for the girls that aren't prostituting themselves (actually...and the ones that are) and are just trying to walk from one place to another.

Anyways, I get to the Walgreens, and the lady says they're backed up and it would take an hour. I saw there was a Starbucks next door (PRAISE GOD HALLELUJAH. Riddle me this: Why the heck aren't there Starbucks on the strip? Why aren't there Starbucks on every block? Don't people from Vegas know that people from Seattle visit?) and posted up there with an iced Americano and a chicken salad sandwich (my first meal of the day besides a granola bar from the hotel room). Deeeelish. I sat outside with my book, surrounded by normal Vegas people again. These Vegas people were large groups of ethnic men, one group of older black men on one side, and one group of Middle-Eastern men on another. The black men looked like they were having some type of old-school gentleman's meetings, like I'm pretty sure a couple of them had cigars, shooting the shit and whatnot. I'm not sure what the Middle Eastern men were doing, because they weren't talking in English, but I kind of hid my book title just in case. I'm sorry if that's racist but it's just how it happened. I have a wild imagination, okay? I don't need to be getting myself into heated debates with people from the countries where those wars are actually going on in (or maybe I should have. That could have been really interesting).

An hour later, I go back to get my prescription, and the lady says they have one of the two things prescribed to me, and that they transferred the other to the closest Walgreens. Which was even further from the strip (the strip doesn't do prescriptions I guess? I don't think I really cared at that point). So I got the intersection, asked for the general direction, and found the nearest bus stop going that way. I love public transportation so this made me incredibly happy, and I think it's really empowering to try to figure out public transportation systems in new cities. I ended up walking the rest of the way at the transfer stop, this time getting a little bit less cat calls because I was definitely sweating through the back of my shirt. I wish I glistened when I sweat but I just don't. It comes in handy when you're trying to look unattractive. I also started to stick out my stomach so I looked a little pregnant...which is not only incredibly freeing but also a highly effective technique to reduce creepy man followers. I had to ask directions a couple of times, and everyone that I talked to was extremely helpful and nice. I got the second half of my prescription, and took the bus back to the strip (a 45 minute ride, concluding a six and a half hour hospital trip).

I was almost sad to leave. I liked the real Vegas. People were dirty, and rugged, and not all done up like the people on the strip. They looked tired and worn down, not shiny and polished. I wanted to stay with these people and chat, and hear about their lives. I worried that my pink shirt would have caused them to see me as polished and shiny, that I belonged on the strip and not on the streets. But I felt more at ease there than anywhere on the strip.

I realized that I was not afraid of Vegas anymore. I felt SO protected, that I saw Jesus all over that town (even on the strip). I was so worried of the dark, that I forgot about my savior and protector and the power He has over it all. I wore my loudest outfit that night, and ended up having the best night of my trip. I ran into an old friend, who is a notorious adventure-seeker and mischief-maker and just flippin fantastic (I'm pretty sure I practically peed my pants when I saw him, because he lives in Houston now). A group of us ended up just making mischief around town. We tried to get on our hotel roof (unsuccessful. The idea that they could've gotten a mattress on one of those is SO fake), moved and messed with sculptures around various buildings, and took pictures on the Venetian horse statues, which are in the middle of a pond (I had changed at this point to more comfortable clothes).

We didn't get back to our hotel room until seven in the morning. It was one of the most incredible and life-giving days that I've ever had the pleasure of living.

My question is this: why in the world are we so fearful and loathing of cities like Las Vegas, when that is probably where God is working the most? The battle has already been WON. It's like in the story of Jonah, God asked him to go to Nineveh (probably the most dangerous city in existence at that time), yet Jonah didn't listen out of both fear AND loathing and went to Tarshish ("paradise") instead. I don't think it's any different...we ignore or suppress our calling to the "dangerous" places of the world just because safe places exist.

No.

I refuse that life, and pray for nothing but boldness and love for all people of ALL cities.

Rest and Chiastic Poetry: Oh, how He loves us.

Two weeks ago my friend Kaitlin invited me to this bible history class that a man named Marty teaches each Wednesday and Friday at 7 am on campus. Since then my mind gets blown twice a week and I’ve found myself on fire to read books like Leviticus. I've been getting strangely excited to wake up at 6:30 (okay, 6:50) to learn about the Eastern perspectives on the bible. This is a pretty big statement for those who know me, especially those of you who heard how hard it was when I dropped my MWF 8 am graphic design class earlier this semester due to my inability to rise before 10. It seems God had different plans in mind for that time of the day (and on top of that, Resonate is offering a free graphic design class that starts next week so I’ll still get to play with my beloved Adobe programs each week and for His glory instead of a grade. What whattt).

Annnyways, this class sometimes makes me a bit jealous of everyone who was able to go to a bible college and learn about the literary structure and devices in the book, because I LOVE looking for puzzles inside of books and analyzing the strategies used in literature to find underlying meanings. The bible is so intellectually put together that you could literally do that for your entire life and still never fully understand its mystery, which makes sense when you realize that God is sovereign and knows everything. It’s an incredibly humbling read for a lit-crit brat like myself.

In a nutshell: Hoooly crap. God is smart. And loves His people. (aka all of us)

For example, let’s just skim some of the meaning that’s in Genesis 1 (the creation story). And by skim I mean I sound like a five year old reading Shelley’s Frankenstein saying that it’s a scary story about a monster.

In its original Hebrew, Genesis 1 is a poem/song and it’s written to the Israelites after they had been released from slavery in Egypt.

In Egypt, the only thing that the Israelites were identified with or judged by was their ability to produce: how many bricks they could make/lay each day. Even if they personally didn’t define themselves by this ability, if they couldn’t meet quota they would be killed and their wife and kids would be basically screwed for the rest of their lives, so they needed to produce to keep their families alive and well.

Once they were out of Egypt, there was this ingrained concept of their (lack of) worth as people and why they were on the earth. This is understandable…just take a psych/hd/soc class and you could only begin to imagine the emotional/spiritual damage these people must’ve had…helllloooo PTSD. This poem radically changes this view.

Chiastic poetry normally tells one story on the surface but also has hidden meanings that get emphasized if you look at the structure of the poem. It’s normally in an ABC/CBA or ABCABC format, and is loaded with repetition and parallelism. I wish I could explain it in more depth than this but I just can’t at the moment, nor do I really care to. It would take forever plus I just learned about them yesterday. You can go here or here or here if you want to have a better understanding of them.

I also feel like I need to reiterate that this is just ONE chiasm that happens in Genesis 1…there are many more embedded in each phrase, and Genesis 1 is a part of an even bigger chiasm that extends for most of the chapter (and debatably another in the entire bible). There’s not enough time and energy to explain it all. This post is long enough.

So here’s one chiasm that occurs that totally blew my brains and made me just realize even more how good God is:

Genesis 1:2 begins with nothing (God’s in v 1 before it all of course, which is a whole other verse that you could write pages on)—the earth is formless and void and chaotic waste.

                “let there be light” –God separates the light/dark (the light is GOOD) (v3-5)

                                God separates the sky/waters (v6-8)

                                                God separates land/seas/creates plants (it’s GOOD) (v9-13)

                God creates sun/moon/stars (it’s GOOD) (v14-19)

                                God creates birds/fish (GOOD) (v20-23)

                                                God creates animals (GOOD) and man (VERY GOOD) (24-31)

God realizes that “the heavens and the earth were complete” so he stops and rests and declares the seventh day a day set apart from all the rest (quadash).

So the passage is bookended with two ideas, one of chaotic nothingness and then very good completion and fulfillment. Guess what you find when you look at the word that’s smack dab in the middle of it all, in the original Hebrew? It’s in verse 1:14 where it’s talking about the seasons. But the word season is actually mo’ad. Mo’ad is a word used when God talks about His appointed times and festivals, namely the Sabbath.

And then throughout the books of law and the bible, God emphasizes how important and refreshing these times of rest are.

So think about this in the perspective of a people who came from a land where their identity was based on their production, and from a land where the story of creation told about how the gods were perpetually angry with the ungrateful humans, and then hear about how the earth was originally good and that the Creator loved them and believed they were very good and that they were the culmination of a very good creation? And how He wanted them to connect with Him through rest? All they had to do was trust the story, because when there wasn’t trust their lives would unwind before their eyes (see basically the rest of the bible for that). It all must’ve been mind-boggling and totally paradigm shifting.

I think this message of Genesis 1 really sticks out to me right now because I still need that reassurance that it isn’t about what I’m doing that matters at all; it’s about letting go and trusting the story that we were created by a good and loving God, even though so much of me wants to lean into the idea that I need to earn that love and that God’s annoyed or angry or disinterested in me. Those are such lies! But it’s hard to believe those things when you live in a culture that only cares about what you do, how much you have, what you can do for them, etc. Even in the Christian community, albeit subtly—service is important, but it’s easier to judge those who serve a ton as being “closer” with God or better/more mature Christians. This is disproved SO many times not only in the bible but in the present day too, yet it’s in my instinct to think this way. I’m a recovering cynic, okay?

The truth is we’re all equally screwed up, just in different areas. An even harder idea to wrap my mind around (especially since I’m so focused on self-improvement) is that we will always be equally screwed up, even if it surfaces in different areas. So when I’m out in Africa helping orphans, don’t be thinking I’ve turned into a miss-goody-two-shoes, because that kind of stuff gets to my head. I’m not. But I am redeemed and free from the chains and shame that come from the separation that occurs from that sin. Sin, and particularly shame from sin, makes us feel far from God or that He doesn’t love or care about us. Even to someone who professes to be a Christian, the idea of God’s love can seem abstract at times. But when we truly believe that Jesus took care of it all, that we are washed white as snow, for now and forever, God’s love is something that we can continually tap into. We become more aware that He has never left our side and cares more about us than we could possibly imagine.

One final thing about God’s love that I just recently was thinking about:

I always think about 1 Corinthians 13 as a verse for humans, to tell us what to do and how to love. But what about the whole, “we love because He first loved us” verse? I always hear pastors telling us to insert our names into the verses, but I think that while this can be humbling and convicting, inserting God into it is so much more life-giving, because He promises and tells us that He loves us always.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a).

God is love; and this is the definition of love in the bible. Lean into this story. Trust this story. It’s a story of hope and goodness, not about avoiding fire and brimstone and quid pro quo. He’s not angry with you, doesn’t want you to fit yourself into a little Christian box because He’s so much bigger than our preconceived notions of Christianity (holy moly is this class breaking those walls down in my life, btw).

He wants you, like the Israelites, to stop stressing so much about producing and rest in His love. It’s always been there and He’s just waiting to wrap you in it, leaving you to be refreshed and rejuvenated and encouraged to continue living your life in creation.

for another project...some of my photography/paintings/collages/creations

the cure for anxiety

Ahh, anxiety. I don't really experience anxiety as much as some people--I'm normally not a worrier--but I think one of the results of me trying to control everything instead of having a "let go and let God" approach to life (see previous post) is a large dose of anxiety. I've found myself up late with racing thoughts about practically everything under the sun. It's a mix of feeling completely undeserving of all the grace I've experienced, and unworthy of all the amazing people and situations I've been placed in, and that little (huge) rebellious and stubborn voice inside that's like "helloooo I still have all these desires and want it all. Now."

It all just causes me to be a mess of a person and not very complacent where I am right now. I start to feel like this:

I think a lot of people can relate to that feeling. We're all a mess. It has nothing to do with the amount of confidence you have or if you're happy or not...when you pause for a sec look deep down, we just live day by day and moment by moment. Everyone questions their confidence and fakes it sometimes, and happiness is so fleeting it's ridiculous.

Especially when your happiness and confidence depends on a person, a lover, your next coffee/cig/joint/booze/ice cream break, the grade on that test, your status, or the things you buy with your paycheck.

It's totally a symptom of putting my faith and worth on ground that's not rooted in Him...and really using Him for my personal gain instead of just loving Him. My life will never feel completely stable if I lose my footing and my grounding in Him. He has big plans for me and that I've promised Him my whole heart while I'm preparing to serve abroad. Ahhhh, when will I learn.

 

And so I'm like...God why do you even put me in leadership positions or in situations where I should speak into others' lives when I can't even discern what You want me to do in my own life? When I don't even put You as my numero uno all the time? I feel like such a hypocrite and sososooo unworthy.

It's amazing grace. That's the only thing I know for sure. He sees potential in me when I don't and uses me for good even when I do things that are bad. I really am trying to say and believe that in a way that doesn't cause me to take advantage of that grace (because deep down that's my first instinct, when I'm being honest). For some reason He saved a wretch like me and meets me where I am even when I try to run away...He's pretty awesome like that.

I had a moment last week where He did that. I had pulled an all-nighter, and went outside for a little coffee break since I was practically going cross-eyed from all the reading I was doing. I was just praying and talking to Him, just about life and whatnot, and I looked around and saw the sun rising, the icicles on our roof dripping, and a tree in our backyard just kickin' it, being a tree. It's the same tree that I've seen blossom with purple flowers in the summer, turn its green leaves into a myriad of oranges and yellows in the fall, and now be bare and covered with white snow in winter. So obedient, just doin' its tree thang. And I start thinking, why can't we be more like that? Things would go so well if we all complied with how our Creator made us to be and were obedient to Him, we would be beautiful and things would make much more sense. Yet we insist that our way is the right way, and try to control things because in this moment, that's what looks best to us from our short-sighted vision. We worry about the next season in life, or the next day, when we don't have to if we just had faith that He was in control and knows what's good and what we need.

I must've been a worrisome kid, because my favorite verse was always Matthew 6:34 when growing up. It's one of those verses that always sunk in and that I would remember when I would get stressed out (which, even though I was under 12, definitely happened). It's kind of funny, because I looked it up after that moment, and in the New American Standard Version of the bible, Matthew 6:25-34 is under the header "The Cure for Anxiety" and was exactly what that moment was. 

The Cure for Anxiety
“For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."


God knows what I need, and He gives it to me as I need it. He knows I need relationships, and gives me the people in my life that I need at the moment who love me and will encourage me to grow and blossom into the person He's created me to be. I'm praying to help my unbelief constantly, to trust in His process, because He's the designer of the process and way smarter than me in the whole life thing.

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:6-7)

It's just truth. God is timeless and faithful and patient and seeks me when I'm feeling and acting like Pig Pen. I'm telling you, He's cool like that.

purge and restart.

Once again, I've started to find myself falling in the trap of becoming a religious -----. I hate being that person so much that I need to purge it out of my brain and on the web...it's very cathartic let me tell you lol.

Soo...here goes.

I've lost a little of myself the past couple months. I think being in a new situation in Pullman with fresh new friends is causing me to slip into the "oooh, fresh start, new friends, I can be someone new now" mindset and it's really messing with my head because sometimes I'm absolutely not genuine and say the right thing instead of what I truly believe deep down. Which they don't even want. NO ONE wants that. I'm usually not one to pull the fake card but my "I'll tell you the answer and you recite it back to me" history with religion sometimes rears its ugly head with church people. I know what to say, and sometimes that makes me wish I was starting without all this head knowledge.

E.g., yes, I know in my weakness He is made strong, and that we are to be putting on our "new selves"...

but goodness gracious, I am not going to be one of those next-day "success" stories. Whatever that means.

My old self is not something that I can just "take off" like my shoes.

It's me. It's who God's created me to be.

And I have NO idea what parts are going to be old and what parts are new. He does. It's really no different in my mind from what I was already doing when I was growing up and maturing, I just kind of realigned myself with my Creator and have a general idea of the way He's instructed us to live (which, if you can't tell...I'm impatient...and sometimes can't understand why I can't just get there already...or work harder at going there on my own...but it's not really a place you can get to without time unless miracles happen).

Yes, I'm becoming a little bit different. Slow slow sloooowwwllyyy.

People take time to cultivate, and as long as I'm looking back to Him at the end of the day I know I'm going to be okay. He's not going to put me in any situation that will deter the refining of my heart, no matter what that means. And all of the situations of our lives and choices we make are individual and personal and necessary. If that makes sense. Yes, some choices are "wrong." But no matter what He uses it all for good, and doesn't love us any more or less because of them.

So shame on me for trying to stifle it and trying to fit myself into some box and trying to be the "perfect Christian." For trying to catch up to people who are further ahead of me and for trying to pick others up and catch them up to where I am on my path.

BLECK. The "perfect Christian" doesn't exist (there was just one of those and his name is J-E-S-U-S), and that's why I stopped following Him in the first place, because I was feeling guilty and obligated. That is not what it's about.

I'm His work in progress, not my work in progress, and certainly not your work in progress. (who "your" is ... I have no clue. It's in my head and needed to be word vomited out.)

I love my friends. I'm sorry if I've given off any impression that any of you were my works in progress, because eeeeek, that's not something I can handle (and I don't mean that to sound judgmental haha it's just the truth). Thanks for reminding me who I truly am this break. I think I forgot a little bit.

I still don't know all the answers. I'm searching, I'm failing, I succeed sometimes but that's mainly by grace. Not because of anything I'm doing. And that's life. If I pretend any differently, I know you'll all let me know. That's why you're my friends. You all aren't afraid to pull the stick out of my ass, and words can't express how much I appreciate it.

Happy New Year!