means that this past finals week was the most amazing finals week of my life.
I started dead week (the week before finals week) and finals week praying that if I made it through this week, it would all be because of Jesus...nothing of my own. I was beat, and tired, and suuuuper unmotivated because, to be honest, my classes were super boring this semester. Normally I can muster up some motivation if there's something interesting to talk about or study, but nooope. There's nothing particularly interesting to me about the History of Psychology and Experimental Methods. Especially considering I wouldn't be using either of those things next year.
So hence the reliance on Jesus, because I could have cared less what I got in those classes, as long as I passed (which was the main thing I was really praying for...a C or better...).
I got A's on all of my finals, including a 100% on my History of Psych final (I got a D on the first exam, so it definitely wasn't me). My papers and presentations included.
Everything I studied just...stuck. That's the best way I can describe it. I felt more confident in my knowledge than ever before, and was remembering things even as I was taking the exams.
Even when my housemate's puppy got sick on chocolate I was able to help take care of her and study.
Oh yeah...and even when I accidentally missed my Experimental Methods final, my teacher let me retake it the following day at 1:30 pm.
In addition, normally finals week bring out one of my worst habits...I stop exercising and stress eat like it's nobody's business. There was none of that. Not even a desire. And I was at the gym even after all-nighters.
Can I get a praise God hallelujah?
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
just because i'm saved
Just because I'm saved doesn't mean finals week doesn't suck.
Wouldn't it be cool if Jesus could just come down and write my papers and take these tests? I think so...
It'd be nice if I could just flash forward a couple months...or even just get a little bite of that sovereignty God has and see what's going to happen...not so much with finals things, but just life in general.
Needless to say I'm working on comfort and contentedness and trusting and not being lazy...maybe when I reach the kingdom I'll have boundless energy and motivation.
My friend Quynn and I had a convo about what our rooms would look like in heaven, and I'd never thought about that. It's kind of cool to know that Jesus is up there preparing a room for me. Like has he been preparing it since I was born? Did he stop when I stopped believing? Or did he just start up last year when I believed on my own? Juuust a random thought.
Anyways, I genuinely dislike school and these classes. That's all.
OH. And guess what? I'm getting baptized this Sunday :)
Wouldn't it be cool if Jesus could just come down and write my papers and take these tests? I think so...
It'd be nice if I could just flash forward a couple months...or even just get a little bite of that sovereignty God has and see what's going to happen...not so much with finals things, but just life in general.
Needless to say I'm working on comfort and contentedness and trusting and not being lazy...maybe when I reach the kingdom I'll have boundless energy and motivation.
My friend Quynn and I had a convo about what our rooms would look like in heaven, and I'd never thought about that. It's kind of cool to know that Jesus is up there preparing a room for me. Like has he been preparing it since I was born? Did he stop when I stopped believing? Or did he just start up last year when I believed on my own? Juuust a random thought.
Anyways, I genuinely dislike school and these classes. That's all.
OH. And guess what? I'm getting baptized this Sunday :)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
speak.
One of the biggest things that I keep worrying about is that I'm saying something wrong or that I'm not going to make any impact.
God is telling me not to worry... "ohh you of little faith, don't you know that I can move mountains? If someone's heart is going to be changed it's not because of you...ever...it's because of ME"
...something along those lines.
So after a couple of weeks of listening, I'm going to just speak. Not worry what comes out, and who takes something the wrong way or thinks about me differently because of it. I mean...this page is on my facebook. But HELLO. IT'S ME WRITING.
Anyways.
I feel like I'm in between two worlds right now. I've heard many different opinions about this, about who I should be relating myself to more...the Christians that I've become friends with, or the people that I've known the majority of my "adult" life. I think my dad gave me the best advice last dad's weekend: "honestly, Emily, if you're getting judged by both worlds: God has you in just the right place."
Which is kind of a hard thing to hear, considering if you would have asked me last year, I would have boldly said that you could ask anyone about me, and no one would say a bad thing about me (minus a small handful of boys). That is way too safe and boring for me, even with the wild lifestyle, but that's what I'm comfortable being: the sweet girl who surprises you and does crazy wild things. This would be totally cool if I wasn't totally sinning against my Creator...as in I was the woman they warn nice Christian men about in Proverbs who leads you to her house of death (I'm really only half joking about this). Not okay.
But whatever, enough about last year.
My point is that I've always thought about myself as a generally relatable person, and now my lifestyle is not something people can easily relate to. I need to explain myself more than ever. Mainly to non-Christians, but also to Christians, because I still go to bars and tailgates and dance to rap songs with boys. The Christians I've explained these things to, however, are reasonably understanding and mainly just making sure that I'm being safe (from what I can see at least). Very sweet, and I appreciate it completely. And my non-Christian friends, while some of them are coming out to be more judgmental than my Christian ones (and who knows if this is just me judging their judgmentalism...I hate judgment and I'm working on it. SORRY), they just want to make sure I'm not trying to push my faith on them or preach to them. Which is fine, and I am learning the boundary, but it is so hard sometimes not to talk about my faith. It's something about me! And not only that, it's real...not just a religion or philosophy or way-of-life to subscribe to, but a relationship with your Creator and the God of all gods. I love my friends from the bottom of my heart and want them to know the power that the Holy Spirit brings, so finding that line between being relatable and sharing this reality is really difficult. Because no one wants to lose friends either, especially people who have been in my life for what seems like forever.
I totally understand their hesitation too, because no one wants to realize that they're a soul you're trying to save...and like I said before...I can't even save souls. It's not under my control...thank God. In order for the Gospel to be meaningful it can't be spoken, it needs to be shown. No longer is it just a message that I need to spread, but a way that I need to live my life.
Aka. I need to actually do what I'm saying is so great and living with Jesus as my example, and being okay with not being able to live like that at the same time, and trusting that the believers that are in my life are my brothers and sisters and here to help me and not judge me (so I don't have to try to impress them...or shock them).
I need to stop caring about myself and start caring enough about others to truly get to know them and love them, and to stand firm in faith and confidence that Jesus' love is all that I need.
The good thing about all of this is that God put me in this in-between world because we're in an in-between time, and He knows this. Right now, we have a taste of the kingdom, since Jesus won the battle between sin, death, and the devil, but we're still in a world that has sin in it and controlling it. We have moments where we experience a glimpse of the kingdom, where there's love and grace and compassion, but ALL of us are still controlled by the sinful nature that we were cursed with from birth. Jesus says that this sinful nature includes things like "evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness" (Mark 7:21-22). These are things that we personally can't change. When we are filled with the Spirit (when we believe in Jesus' death and resurrection as a perfect sacrifice in payment for these things), He works in us to eliminate them. The bible uses the metaphor of a vine and branches, with Jesus pruning things that are bad and nurturing fruit that is good.
Our growth takes time. No one is completely healed overnight, but we live each day knowing that one day we will be free from it all and that while our flesh may bring these impurities, our souls are white as snow because in Christ there is no condemnation. God looks at us and sees Him. Which is just fantastic when you think about it because I'm not that great of a person. I'm no better than anyone else, but God gave me the gift of the knowledge about this before we move into the age where it's only the kingdom (no sin). He's given me the Holy Spirit, and in turn I give myself to Him as His hands and feet to do whatever work needs to be done.
I'm a servant, and it's all about Him. I'm a weird servant, and wild, and stubborn, and a little mouthy, and I like to dance and sing and write and listen and drink sometimes and I really really like people. I like people who don't like me the most actually. Not in a sadistic way, but because I've realized I can never lose my dignity. It's like, total freedom. No rules, no games, no "you did this to me and that was too far so see you never while I pick up what's left of my heart and bitch about it to anyone who will listen." Instead, it's more like "just try me. See what you can do and I'll still forgive you and I know my heart is protected by legions of angels. You can't get me to ever stop loving you." I'm safe no matter who I'm talking to or where I am.
Knowing the love of God is dangerous to a girl who doesn't know much about being scared because once you know that love, you know it's unstoppable. Infinite. Overflowing. Unconditional.
God is telling me not to worry... "ohh you of little faith, don't you know that I can move mountains? If someone's heart is going to be changed it's not because of you...ever...it's because of ME"
...something along those lines.
So after a couple of weeks of listening, I'm going to just speak. Not worry what comes out, and who takes something the wrong way or thinks about me differently because of it. I mean...this page is on my facebook. But HELLO. IT'S ME WRITING.
Anyways.
I feel like I'm in between two worlds right now. I've heard many different opinions about this, about who I should be relating myself to more...the Christians that I've become friends with, or the people that I've known the majority of my "adult" life. I think my dad gave me the best advice last dad's weekend: "honestly, Emily, if you're getting judged by both worlds: God has you in just the right place."
Which is kind of a hard thing to hear, considering if you would have asked me last year, I would have boldly said that you could ask anyone about me, and no one would say a bad thing about me (minus a small handful of boys). That is way too safe and boring for me, even with the wild lifestyle, but that's what I'm comfortable being: the sweet girl who surprises you and does crazy wild things. This would be totally cool if I wasn't totally sinning against my Creator...as in I was the woman they warn nice Christian men about in Proverbs who leads you to her house of death (I'm really only half joking about this). Not okay.
But whatever, enough about last year.
My point is that I've always thought about myself as a generally relatable person, and now my lifestyle is not something people can easily relate to. I need to explain myself more than ever. Mainly to non-Christians, but also to Christians, because I still go to bars and tailgates and dance to rap songs with boys. The Christians I've explained these things to, however, are reasonably understanding and mainly just making sure that I'm being safe (from what I can see at least). Very sweet, and I appreciate it completely. And my non-Christian friends, while some of them are coming out to be more judgmental than my Christian ones (and who knows if this is just me judging their judgmentalism...I hate judgment and I'm working on it. SORRY), they just want to make sure I'm not trying to push my faith on them or preach to them. Which is fine, and I am learning the boundary, but it is so hard sometimes not to talk about my faith. It's something about me! And not only that, it's real...not just a religion or philosophy or way-of-life to subscribe to, but a relationship with your Creator and the God of all gods. I love my friends from the bottom of my heart and want them to know the power that the Holy Spirit brings, so finding that line between being relatable and sharing this reality is really difficult. Because no one wants to lose friends either, especially people who have been in my life for what seems like forever.
I totally understand their hesitation too, because no one wants to realize that they're a soul you're trying to save...and like I said before...I can't even save souls. It's not under my control...thank God. In order for the Gospel to be meaningful it can't be spoken, it needs to be shown. No longer is it just a message that I need to spread, but a way that I need to live my life.
Aka. I need to actually do what I'm saying is so great and living with Jesus as my example, and being okay with not being able to live like that at the same time, and trusting that the believers that are in my life are my brothers and sisters and here to help me and not judge me (so I don't have to try to impress them...or shock them).
I need to stop caring about myself and start caring enough about others to truly get to know them and love them, and to stand firm in faith and confidence that Jesus' love is all that I need.
The good thing about all of this is that God put me in this in-between world because we're in an in-between time, and He knows this. Right now, we have a taste of the kingdom, since Jesus won the battle between sin, death, and the devil, but we're still in a world that has sin in it and controlling it. We have moments where we experience a glimpse of the kingdom, where there's love and grace and compassion, but ALL of us are still controlled by the sinful nature that we were cursed with from birth. Jesus says that this sinful nature includes things like "evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness" (Mark 7:21-22). These are things that we personally can't change. When we are filled with the Spirit (when we believe in Jesus' death and resurrection as a perfect sacrifice in payment for these things), He works in us to eliminate them. The bible uses the metaphor of a vine and branches, with Jesus pruning things that are bad and nurturing fruit that is good.
Our growth takes time. No one is completely healed overnight, but we live each day knowing that one day we will be free from it all and that while our flesh may bring these impurities, our souls are white as snow because in Christ there is no condemnation. God looks at us and sees Him. Which is just fantastic when you think about it because I'm not that great of a person. I'm no better than anyone else, but God gave me the gift of the knowledge about this before we move into the age where it's only the kingdom (no sin). He's given me the Holy Spirit, and in turn I give myself to Him as His hands and feet to do whatever work needs to be done.
I'm a servant, and it's all about Him. I'm a weird servant, and wild, and stubborn, and a little mouthy, and I like to dance and sing and write and listen and drink sometimes and I really really like people. I like people who don't like me the most actually. Not in a sadistic way, but because I've realized I can never lose my dignity. It's like, total freedom. No rules, no games, no "you did this to me and that was too far so see you never while I pick up what's left of my heart and bitch about it to anyone who will listen." Instead, it's more like "just try me. See what you can do and I'll still forgive you and I know my heart is protected by legions of angels. You can't get me to ever stop loving you." I'm safe no matter who I'm talking to or where I am.
Knowing the love of God is dangerous to a girl who doesn't know much about being scared because once you know that love, you know it's unstoppable. Infinite. Overflowing. Unconditional.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)