Humility + Self-Improvement?

I know it's been awhile...so many times I've thought about things to post here but never actually started posting anything. My last post was just so...optimistic and strong. And to be honest? I'm coming out of a hard couple of weeks. My relationship with Christ is being tested. It's just such a different way of living. Pullman is beautiful in the summertime, and you know what that has meant for me in the past? Drinking and smoking. Why? It's gorgeous outside and there's hardly anything else to do!

Needless to say, I've slipped up a lot.

Yes, I, Emily, have a lot of work to do.

That's the thing about this blog and this journey--just because I've realized that Christianity is the truth (and there's absolutely no way I could deny that after my experiences...not just what I wrote in the last post, but SO much else--I need to start writing it down when I realize these things, because there are just blatant ways that God has spoken to me and revealed Himself to me...and I say that in the most "I have a psych degree and I swear I'm not schizo" way I possibly can), doesn't mean I'm even close to being sinless. So what makes this different? I'm forgiven. Each time I sin, I realize how much I needed Jesus in my life, to wipe my slate clean each day. How much I needed Him to die on the cross for my sins so that I would be forgiven and made pure in God's eyes. I've been trying to read the Old Testament, and I can't tell you how grateful I am that we no longer have to sacrifice an animal each time we sin (imagine how PITA fanatics would feel in a world like that). Now, I try my hardest to obey His Word, repent when I feel convicted to (and, by the way, I also need to write something about the difference between my relationship with God now and before...because the guilt I felt before was paralyzing, which is why I would always go back to being "spiritual"...and also I have a problem with authority in general which has always made an intangible god hard to follow), and then try my hardest to truly believe that I'm forgiven (which is a struggle in itself...especially with how I've sinned...because I know that all sin is the same in God's eyes, but come ON don't you think you would want to say sorry 10000 times if you murdered someone than if you used God's name in vain? Not that I murdered anyone, but still).

Anyways, sorry for rambling. I just really felt bad for leaving on such a "Things are perfect now that I've found the Lord" post. Because HELLOOOOOO, I am 100% human, and anyone that knows me knows that I am definitely not perfect. The difference is that I have a role model of how God wants us to live our lives, and I know that He loves me and that I'll never live a sinless life. I'm doing my best though. I've been genuinely repenting, and doing a bible study on habitual sin (which I have a ton of, by the way).

The hardest thing about changing my life around is that there really is so much to change. In addition, I always pray for God to start convicting me of my sin--so I realize it more often and sooner when I'm doing something wrong. I've also been experiencing actual consequences for my actions...something that I'm really not used to. Not to sound like a brat, but sometimes I am. Sometimes I feel extremely entitled to things and people, literally acting like a martyr when I do something unselfish.

It's a very humbling experience to say the least, and I praise the Lord for it. I think the biggest parable that's spoken to me recently (as in, earlier today) has been the "Parable of the Sower," which is mentioned in three of the four gospels in the New Testament.

Here it is in Luke 8:1-15 :

The Parable of the Sower

 ¹ After this, Jesus traveled about from one town and village to another, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom of God. The Twelve were with him, ² and also some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases: Mary (called Magdalene) from whom seven demons had come out; ³ Joanna the wife of Chuza, the manager of Herod’s household; Susanna; and many others. These women were helping to support them out of their own means.  ⁴ While a large crowd was gathering and people were coming to Jesus from town after town, he told this parable: ⁵ “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds ate it up. ⁶ Some fell on rocky ground, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. ⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown.”
   When he said this, he called out, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”
 ⁹ His disciples asked him what this parable meant. ¹⁰ He said, “The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that,
   “‘though seeing, they may not see;
   though hearing, they may not understand.’^[a]
   11 “This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. ¹² Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. ¹³ Those on the rocky ground are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. ¹⁴ The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. ¹⁵ But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.

Here is an amazing explanation from Beth Moore (who, by the way, I am so reluctant to promote...because I once told my mom that she was probably a cult leader. This was before I actually heard her speak...she's an amazing woman of God). It's the first video of a playlist: Law of the Harvest Part 1


Annnnnyway, I'll try to be better about posting in this :).

Finals Week Test-imony

Okay, I know I should be writing my English paper but I feel compelled after an AMAZING conversation with my best friend from jr. high, Jeanine, and I really want to share how I came to believing that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and that there is no other way I can live my life.

Unlike many college kids who come to the faith, I actually grew up in a very strong Christian family. Right now, my dad is an elder and my mom is one of the heads of the womens' bible study in their church. I should have been a super gung-ho Christian, right?? Notttt really. Anyway, I also went to a Lutheran school for 8 years of my life (my grandpa was the head of a large region of Lutheran schools in the Illinois area before he retired, so it was kind of a given that I would go to this school) and got the full-on Missouri Synod Lutheran education. This is just as strict and exclusive as Catholicism...my question that I had to answer before the church before my confirmation was "Why is Lutheranism the true faith?" HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! SOOOOO blasphemous!!! In addition to the bitterness I felt from the institutionalized religion, my mom was really struggling with alcoholism, and I felt every single judging look from the members of this church. There was some compassion, but I felt like my family was the scandal of the church. There was a bunch of hypocrisy and exclusivity that really pushed me away from the faith. I did find an AMAZING group of girls that I still keep in touch with (one of them was Jeanine, who I still skype with regularly). Once I was in high school, I tried to find a group of Christians to hang out with to replicate my girlfriends from junior high, and joined YoungLife. However, the girls that I had met in this program were also exclusive, or at least had been friends for a loooong time and spoke in mostly inside jokes, like most high schoolers are, and I was so self-conscious that I focused all this energy in impressing them that I got burnt out. I remember crying at a YoungLife retreat because they didn't feel like friends to me (now I know that they were not perfect and probably were shocked that I was crying about feeling left out!), and that I was sick of trying to impress them. Next thing you know, I'm seeking out friends that drink, and get involved with a boy that was an outspoken atheist. I began to believe that the Bible was just a Cliff Notes on how to live your life, and that it was my job to figure out how to create my own life.

Then I found out that I was moving, after the school year ended. I was gone two weeks later...the next September people didn't know where I was and my best friend at the time had to tell them that I'd moved to Seattle! It was super quick...I barely got to say goodbye. So then at my new high school, I became friends quickly with the "wrong" crowd, and began rebelling. My mom was sober, and tried to step in to become a mom for the first time, which caused me to rebel even more. We weren't forced to go to church, and I filled that void with drinking and smoking and boys. My grades weren't important to me at all, and I started to get behind in my classes. I remember crying almost every day because of how unhappy I was with school and my life...the only time I felt comfortable was when I was high, and the only time I felt loved was when I was kissing boys. I dropped out of my IB classes and went to the regular classes, regularly skipping them. I went from being Columbia- or Pepperdine-bound to barely graduating high school and seriously considering dropping out and getting my GED on my own time. With God's grace I graduated, and was accepted to Washington State University, where all of my high school friends were going to. I also started dating a boy who was a Christian, and he brought me back to thinking about Jesus in my life.

At WSU, I joined a sorority, and found the Christian Greek group, Feul. I immediately found a boy in that group, who happened to be in the fraternity that was our homecoming partner. We talked about the Lord and I trusted him quickly because of these talks, but he proved to be untrustworthy very quickly. I was shocked and transferred this shock to Fuel, thinking that the people that were in it were either hypocrites or overly judgmental of how I wanted to live my life. I turned away from it and began to just "do my own thing." This lasted for three years. I was uncomfortable with God, because Christianity meant that I would feel guilty for doing all of these things. I mean, like I said before, who doesn't live the crazy life while in Pullman? How could God expect me to live like that when it was so fun? I wanted to do everything that made me feel as good as possible and as quick as possible. Through this time, I battled depression and substance abuse. I had some fun times, but when I reached my senior year I realized I needed more...that I needed to develop myself spiritually, whatever that meant. I began researching different religious ideas, picking and choosing what sounded the best. I wanted to live "my best life." I was still depressed, now on anti-depression medicine, and still disrespecting myself too. Then...I had a dream.

I was reading a magazine that had an article called "Are you following your dreams?" or something of that nature. In it, there was a sidebar piece about what your actual dreams meant regarding your goals in life. There was a list of about ten or so common dreams, like flying, or getting chased, etc. I went to bed that night with the intention that I wanted to have one of those dreams, so I could see where I was. So here's the dream: I was told by the DJ and manager of my favorite bar (let's call him DJ Silvertoe) that Hugh Heffner had called and he wanted to do a photoshoot of me and my best friend for Playboy. I agreed, but said that I wouldn't take my clothes off. During the photoshoot, he said that actually he did want me to take my clothes off. I left the room, saying that I wasn't going to do that. Then, I get transferred into another room where DJ Silvertoe's head (just his head) is on this platform and it looks lifeless. I suddenly feel this huge wave of evilness come from that region of the room. I look straight at the head, saying, "you realize I don't believe in this right?" and suddenly the head comes to life, looks straight at me, and says: "Oh yeah? You don't believe in this? Hah!" and I'm thrown to the back of the room, overcome with the evil feeling. I'm completely overwhelmed, and the head is over me laughing along with another figurine head that had red blinking eyes (it was something that I had found on Halloween in a dumpster in real life and was really freaky looking). I start yelling out everything I could think of--"This isn't real! It's just a dream!" and even to the point of saying "Get away from me in the name of God!"--none of it worked (in real life, I had also begun to accept that there was a higher power that I would call God, but that was it). Then, I finally gave up fighting and struggling, and said, "Get away from me in the name of Jesus Christ!"

I woke up.

It was the most powerful dream that I have ever had. And I'm the dream queen...I'm a psych major, so I'm enchanted by the symbolism in dreams...last summer I tried to teach myself how to lucid dream, and I'm an avid checker of dreamdictionary.com to see the meanings of my dreams. Anyway, I also looked at that article, and one of the dreams that was possible was a nightmare. It said: "There is some aspect of your life that is unfulfilled."

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!??

Of course, I called Jeanine, and told her all about it. She told me that it was rare that God reaches people in dreams so vividly and so overtly, and that this wasn't something that I could ignore. I agreed, and started to look back in to Christianity as the way to live my life. I bought a devotional and a book called "God Chicks," which was how to live as a Christian woman in the 21st century. This was all great, but I was still partying like a crazy chick and living that life, not fully giving myself to the Lord.

Then, I decided to work for my friend's dad at a super-corrupt Christian conference during new years (like, corrupt in the fact that they were selling seats to heaven for 50 gs). During this conference, I prayed to God that He would bring people to me that would give me messages that I needed to hear. And He did not disappoint! One of them was an old man with wild and dirty blondish-white hair who was missing teeth and wearing an "I love Jesus" shirt...haha! I swear this guy was an angel. But the major thing that happened at this conference was that a good guy friend of mine texted me, just asking what I was doing, and I told him where I was. He was surprised that I was a Christian (who wouldn't be, I wasn't acting like one!), and said that he had recently come to the faith too and asked if I wanted to start looking for churches with him. So, we started going "church shopping." All of the churches that we went to (when I actually got my hungover self out of bed) were FULL of old people! It was so discouraging that it seemed like there was no Christians my age in this town. Then, my friend got a job in Seattle, and moved to the westside of the state, leaving me alone and without finding a church. I gave up the search. Then I was sent to the SAPST conference in Spokane, and had two younger women just boldly profess their faith, which was awe-inspiring to me, considering it was a secular event. I also learned a TON about how bad drinking and drugs was on my brain, which made me realize that I was done drinking (or at least getting drunk!) and doing drugs.

On my way home from Spokane on the last day (so the 21st, which was a Thursday), I had a conversation with my mom, and during the conversation she told me about an amazing experience that she had with her friends from church. They had just been through a rough period, and made up an hour before I called. I told her that I was worried that the friends that I'd made the past four years wouldn't stick with me in a situation like that--that many of them really didn't even know who I was outside of drinking and that I was worried we wouldn't keep in touch, that I hadn't felt that true bond of friendship since middle school. She pointed out that I really hadn't sought out Christian friends since then, which was true. I decided to start praying that night that I would find a community of college-age Christians to surround myself with.

Friday night, I texted a girl in my marketing group (who I didn't know but randomly joined at the beginning of the semester) about a homework assignment that was due that night. She didn't get back to me until the next day, saying that she was at a retreat. I asked her which retreat she was at, and she said Campus Crusade for Christ. (!). I told her that I wanted to start going to the meetings, and about the conversation with my mom and how I had just started praying about meeting Christian people in Pullman. I had also messaged a girl named Rachelle, who happened to be Megan's bible study leader. Then on Tuesday, I met Rachelle for coffee and told her about everything that had happened, and my dream, and how I wanted to start getting involved with a Christian community. Tuesday night, I randomly decided to go to Megan's benefit concert, because it was something different and I wanted to check it out. The concert was amazing, and I was able to see a Christian band and other Christians interact--such an open and nice bunch of people haha. I went to coffee with Megan on Thursday, having multiple people come by at the CUB and say hi. Then that night I went to Cru for the first time since freshman year, and Rachelle introduced me to a girl named Lindsey, who would be in Pullman during the summer, and who I just went to coffee with today (which would have been SO weird in any other situation, but since I know she's a strong woman of God I had no problem doing...and we ended up having an amazing talk because of that common bond of sisterhood).

I've also been watching the Luke series from Mars Hill church...which I went to on Easter (verrry hesitantly, because I'm super skeptical of large churches) and fell in love with..check it out :). It's been life-changing.

So here I am, Emily, the crazy sorority girl turned Jesus lover. I now am living as His servant, and can't wait to see what journey He wants me undertake in His name.

Don't get me wrong--it kinda freaks me out! But I can't deny His presence in my life any longer, and am SO thankful for His persistence and dedication to seeking me out to bring me back to the faith.

SOOOO much more has happened in the past week that has blatantly shown the Lord's work in my life (it gives me goosebumps just thinking about it all), but I really need to stop procrastinating and start studying...bleck.