Just because I'm saved (part 2)

means that this past finals week was the most amazing finals week of my life.

I started dead week (the week before finals week) and finals week praying that if I made it through this week, it would all be because of Jesus...nothing of my own. I was beat, and tired, and suuuuper unmotivated because, to be honest, my classes were super boring this semester. Normally I can muster up some motivation if there's something interesting to talk about or study, but nooope. There's nothing particularly interesting to me about the History of Psychology and Experimental Methods. Especially considering I wouldn't be using either of those things next year.

So hence the reliance on Jesus, because I could have cared less what I got in those classes, as long as I passed (which was the main thing I was really praying for...a C or better...).

I got A's on all of my finals, including a 100% on my History of Psych final (I got a D on the first exam, so it definitely wasn't me). My papers and presentations included.

Everything I studied just...stuck. That's the best way I can describe it. I felt more confident in my knowledge than ever before, and was remembering things even as I was taking the exams.

Even when my housemate's puppy got sick on chocolate I was able to help take care of her and study.

Oh yeah...and even when I accidentally missed my Experimental Methods final, my teacher let me retake it the following day at 1:30 pm.

In addition, normally finals week bring out one of my worst habits...I stop exercising and stress eat like it's nobody's business. There was none of that. Not even a desire. And I was at the gym even after all-nighters.

Can I get a praise God hallelujah?

just because i'm saved

Just because I'm saved doesn't mean finals week doesn't suck.

Wouldn't it be cool if Jesus could just come down and write my papers and take these tests? I think so...

It'd be nice if I could just flash forward a couple months...or even just get a little bite of that sovereignty God has and see what's going to happen...not so much with finals things, but just life in general.

Needless to say I'm working on comfort and contentedness and trusting and not being lazy...maybe when I reach the kingdom I'll have boundless energy and motivation.

My friend Quynn and I had a convo about what our rooms would look like in heaven, and I'd never thought about that. It's kind of cool to know that Jesus is up there preparing a room for me. Like has he been preparing it since I was born? Did he stop when I stopped believing? Or did he just start up last year when I believed on my own? Juuust a random thought.

Anyways, I genuinely dislike school and these classes. That's all.
OH. And guess what? I'm getting baptized this Sunday :)

speak.

One of the biggest things that I keep worrying about is that I'm saying something wrong or that I'm not going to make any impact.

God is telling me not to worry...  "ohh you of little faith, don't you know that I can move mountains? If someone's heart is going to be changed it's not because of you...ever...it's because of ME"

...something along those lines.

So after a couple of weeks of listening, I'm going to just speak. Not worry what comes out, and who takes something the wrong way or thinks about me differently because of it. I mean...this page is on my facebook. But HELLO. IT'S ME WRITING.

Anyways.

I feel like I'm in between two worlds right now. I've heard many different opinions about this, about who I should be relating myself to more...the Christians that I've become friends with, or the people that I've known the majority of my "adult" life. I think my dad gave me the best advice last dad's weekend: "honestly, Emily, if you're getting judged by both worlds: God has you in just the right place."

Which is kind of a hard thing to hear, considering if you would have asked me last year, I would have boldly said that you could ask anyone about me, and no one would say a bad thing about me (minus a small handful of boys). That is way too safe and boring for me, even with the wild lifestyle, but that's what I'm comfortable being: the sweet girl who surprises you and does crazy wild things. This would be totally cool if I wasn't totally sinning against my Creator...as in I was the woman they warn nice Christian men about in Proverbs who leads you to her house of death (I'm really only half joking about this). Not okay.

But whatever, enough about last year.

My point is that I've always thought about myself as a generally relatable person, and now my lifestyle is not something people can easily relate to. I need to explain myself more than ever. Mainly to non-Christians, but also to Christians, because I still go to bars and tailgates and dance to rap songs with boys. The Christians I've explained these things to, however, are reasonably understanding and mainly just making sure that I'm being safe (from what I can see at least). Very sweet, and I appreciate it completely. And my non-Christian friends, while some of them are coming out to be more judgmental than my Christian ones (and who knows if this is just me judging their judgmentalism...I hate judgment and I'm working on it. SORRY), they just want to make sure I'm not trying to push my faith on them or preach to them. Which is fine, and I am learning the boundary, but it is so hard sometimes not to talk about my faith. It's something about me! And not only that, it's real...not just a religion or philosophy or way-of-life to subscribe to, but a relationship with your Creator and the God of all gods. I love my friends from the bottom of my heart and want them to know the power that the Holy Spirit brings, so finding that line between being relatable and sharing this reality is really difficult. Because no one wants to lose friends either, especially people who have been in my life for what seems like forever.

I totally understand their hesitation too, because no one wants to realize that they're a soul you're trying to save...and like I said before...I can't even save souls. It's not under my control...thank God. In order for the Gospel to be meaningful it can't be spoken, it needs to be shown. No longer is it just a message that I need to spread, but a way that I need to live my life.

Aka. I need to actually do what I'm saying is so great and living with Jesus as my example, and being okay with not being able to live like that at the same time, and trusting that the believers that are in my life are my brothers and sisters and here to help me and not judge me (so I don't have to try to impress them...or shock them).

I need to stop caring about myself and start caring enough about others to truly get to know them and love them, and to stand firm in faith and confidence that Jesus' love is all that I need.

The good thing about all of this is that God put me in this in-between world because we're in an in-between time, and He knows this. Right now, we have a taste of the kingdom, since Jesus won the battle between sin, death, and the devil, but we're still in a world that has sin in it and controlling it. We have moments where we experience a glimpse of the kingdom, where there's love and grace and compassion, but ALL of us are still controlled by the sinful nature that we were cursed with from birth. Jesus says that this sinful nature includes things like "evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness" (Mark 7:21-22). These are things that we personally can't change. When we are filled with the Spirit (when we believe in Jesus' death and resurrection as a perfect sacrifice in payment for these things), He works in us to eliminate them. The bible uses the metaphor of a vine and branches, with Jesus pruning things that are bad and nurturing fruit that is good.

Our growth takes time. No one is completely healed overnight, but we live each day knowing that one day we will be free from it all and that while our flesh may bring these impurities, our souls are white as snow because in Christ there is no condemnation. God looks at us and sees Him. Which is just fantastic when you think about it because I'm not that great of a person. I'm no better than anyone else, but God gave me the gift of the knowledge about this before we move into the age where it's only the kingdom (no sin). He's given me the Holy Spirit, and in turn I give myself to Him as His hands and feet to do whatever work needs to be done.

I'm a servant, and it's all about Him. I'm a weird servant, and wild, and stubborn, and a little mouthy, and I like to dance and sing and write and listen and drink sometimes and I really really like people. I like people who don't like me the most actually. Not in a sadistic way, but because I've realized I can never lose my dignity. It's like, total freedom. No rules, no games, no "you did this to me and that was too far so see you never while I pick up what's left of my heart and bitch about it to anyone who will listen." Instead, it's more like "just try me. See what you can do and I'll still forgive you and I know my heart is protected by legions of angels. You can't get me to ever stop loving you." I'm safe no matter who I'm talking to or where I am.

Knowing the love of God is dangerous to a girl who doesn't know much about being scared because once you know that love, you know it's unstoppable. Infinite. Overflowing. Unconditional.

Missionary Positions: Doing it by doing nothing.

Oookay, I know I said I'd stop talking for a sec, but I think this is just the best way to describe what's been going on, in a couple of quotes from someone not me. That counts as listening right? Talking about listening? I've gotten pretty good at that recently...

Missionary Positions: Doing it by doing nothing.

We’ve each, to some degree, developed the socially acceptable self (the one that talks about the weather and how work is going and how the kids are doing) and hidden the real self (the one that says gray days make them sad and work is fleeting compared to your passion and the kids are slipping away because you’re never there).

Strutting our socially acceptable selves seems especially common among believers, where we feel the pressure to make disciples of all nations, and teach them the ways, and have the joy, joy, joy, joy down in our hearts.

But you know what I discovered?

In my effort to make disciples of my nonbelieving friends, I identified them as nonbelieving rather than simply my friend.

In my effort to teach them the ways, I told them the ways and disagreed with theirs.

In my effort to have that joy, joy, joy in my heart, I hidden the sad, sad, sadness that sometimes creeps in.

I was douchey. And completely unrelatable. (‘Cause, really. Who wants
to relate to a douche?)

So on my calendar, and in my heart, I’ve decreed a do-nothing day
mentality all day every day. Because when I see my friends as separate from their beliefs, they feel accepted. When I stop trying to convince people of my beliefs, they feel at ease. (Quite contrary to my get-paid-to-do-this mission of apologetics, by the way.) And when I share my sufferings with others, they feel safe to do the same.

In other words, my mission is to do nothing. Just be.

Amen sista.

loggin

Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, 'Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,' when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.



God's called me to do some listening and work on my logs, so it might be awhile before I post again.

blast from the past...

Okay, I know I should be doing homework right now...but I just wanted to share some old journal entries of mine that just blow my mind.

Sometime in late September, 2010

"I know it's been awhile since we really talked, but please believe my small prayers that I've thought--that I can't do all this without you. Life is so wonderful, but I'm being challenged and I really need your help & guidance. [lots left out, sorrryyyyy ;)] Please help me to recognize and acknowledge your presence in my life, and that my personality and self doesn't have to be sacrificed when I let you in. Please give me peace, clarity, and strength. Let me live my life favorably to you, so I can find my path and travel it with confidence and passion. I need you, MY God, my mentor, and the one and only being that can bring me out of all of this. If there is a higher power out there (which I know there is, my species is not the biggest thing out here), please show me how to follow you, because I only know a way that brings the world oppression, restriction, guilt, and corruption. Amen."

Haha...I couldn't help but put this one in first. It was the bookends of one of my first prayers. I really didn't want to believe that God or Christianity was real...because it was starting to be way too obvious, and it would get even more obvious.

Flash forward through many months of sad, sad entries...

April 2011

"Dear Jesus, thank you for bringing me so close to you the past two weeks. Your Light in my heart is overflowing, and just reading my letters to you (they weren't really addressed to You, but I know You heard) brings me so much joy because in my sin and doubt You made Your glory shine that much sweeter. Thank You for making my heart pure through Your death and defeat over the devil--through You all things are possible. I am sorry for all that I've been idolizing the past couple years [...] you know, the works. Please reveal to me any other things that I am idolizing, and give me the strength to change."

Uh oh...started praying to be convicted of things. Haha...this is when the 4-day hangover happened too. This is one of the things I wrote during that time:

May 2011

"There is a time to heal (Ephesians 3:3)
From your head to your toes there isn't a healthy spot. Bruises, cuts, and open sores go without care or oil to heal the pain (Isaiah 1:6)
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3)

Lord, I know I'm a piece of work, and that there are so many wounds I'm asking you to heal at this time. Please, I ask you to reach inside my heart and lift me up and transform me. My life is Yours to have--use me according to Your will. I am nothing without Your saving grace. I PRAISE Your for everything You have done thus far, for not giving up on me, for being a persistent father and showing me Your abounding love. Amen"

June 2011

"In other thoughts--
I want to GO somewhere. I am so bummed about not going to South Africa. I think I might go crazy not leaving Pullman this summer..."What do you think you're passionate about"...I                       whoa...spaced out moment. Anyways, I really want to be helping people in other countries. But I feel bad (ironicVVV)
Find your passion. Make your difference. [magazine clipping on the next page lol]
not helping the people in my own country, or even community, first. But these people have so much, I have so much...and its hard to find anyone truly happy. Why is everyone so sad here? I get sad here--planning and thinking up ways to get out keep me sane, yet once again I'm here!! I really do love the summer here, but I'm getting to the point where I want to spread my wings--suck the marrow of life, if you will. I want to meet people outside of my comfort zone, get out and actually make a difference in their lives and have them do the same for me in return. I want to seek the wisdom of the world, through the compassion and love that I now feel.

You know that feeling in your gut that sends chills? Or is that the couple sips of wine?

Sometimes, I feel more lost than ever. But most of the time, it just feels right."


Hahah, I don't think God let any part of my personality be lost in this process...He just cleaned up some of my junk and put love in its place. He's bound up my deep deep wounds and broken heart, and given me clarity and strength. He's letting me go, and I get to spread my wings and see the world through His eyes.

PTL

I'm racing I'm racing I'm racinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

I GOT IN <3

PRAISE THE LORD

ahhhhh and to think--just last year at this time I was going in to the WSU counselors to get counseling for partying too much---

now God has chosen me as an ambassador for the NATIONS.

the nations.

goodness gracious, redemption is beautiful.

the next two years are going to be insaneeeee. <3

clothed with dignity and strength

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand.

Oooooh my goodness, have I been tested this past week. First off, I'm still praying to not to be so anxious about the World Race--my interview was last week, and I think it went really well (I find out within the next couple days). It was so crazy to talk about all of the things that have touched my life and all of the things that God has redeemed me from. I'm beginning to really see how he was guiding my steps, even though I was blind to the meaning of His word and amazing love and pursual.

[Hellooo beautiful sunrise. I saw this on my way back from Leavenworth this past weekend. I can't even tell you how awesome this drive was, as it lifted so many veils from my eyes, and how monumental and reassuring this sunrise was to see afterwards.]

The Race recommends (and I agreed) to not start any new relationships until the trip, and especially to refrain from getting into relationships on the trip. I, Emily, will be single and focusing on my relationship with the Lord for two more years. Thiiiisss, my friends, is what I will need the most prayers about and will be tested the most (at least from what I can tell now). God has used the past couple weeks to really break some chains that have been in my life for almost four years now. My desire to be with a certain man was clearly holding me back from giving God my whole heart, and the evil one did not want me to let go--he has been trying to get me to ruminate about it and accuse me of soooo many awful awful things from it. I trust my Father's sovereignty, and I know that there is better out there for me. I deeply loved the potential of this man's heart, but not what it was in actuality. It took some huuuuge slaps of reality to bring my head out of the clouds and lift the veil from my eyes regarding the truth about his heart.

Even while typing this a part of me wishes things could have gone differently, and I look back on things that I did that I know pushed away. That I knew would push away. The whole thing is way too complicated (four years worth of complications...eeeeek), but when I decided to give him another chance, I don't think I truly believed it would work from the start. About a month ago, after reading my Bible during a two-hour break between classes, I paused to be in solitude with the Lord. In a small but clear voice, I heard "love --." My response? "Whaaaatttt Lord? Love him? Excuse me, but I don't want to even be thinking about him, because I don't think he's the one for me. I don't want to be thinking like that about a man who isn't my husband, and I'm not sure if I can think about him any other way." But then, I felt an amazing peace about it. And maybe God wanted me to learn how to love him like a friend, like a brother, but maybe He wanted me to love him so that I knew that he could never understand my love or love me in return. Only He knows. Whatever it meant, it's in the past, and now I've been able to focus on my ultimate pursuer--Jesus.

Oookay, time out. Let me just say that if I would have read that a couple months ago, I would have never gotten what it meant to be "in a relationship" with Jesus (and also let me say...that the past three years around this time--homecoming--I was seeking out counseling for stupid things I was doing while intoxicated...talk about transformation). It would have seemed weak to me, and a little too much. But you know what? I'm finding that the more work I do on my heart, and the more time I spend in my bible and in fellowship, it's soooooooo above and beyond any love that I could have ever imagined. Learning how Jesus loved, how He loved His disciples even though they were imperfect and screwed up all the time, and how He prayed for them--it blows my mind. I still haven't comprehended it all, which is what makes this all so great. My faith is growing exponentially each day, and I think that God is just catching up for lost time, as I do the same.

I mean, just take in this prayer:

After saying all these things, Jesus looked up to heaven and said, “Father, the hour has come. Glorify your Son so he can give glory back to you. 2For you have given him authority over everyone. He gives eternal life to each one you have given him. 3And this is the way to have eternal life—to know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, the one you sent to earth. 4I brought glory to you here on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. 5Now, Father, bring me into the glory we shared before the world began.

6“I have revealed you to the ones you gave me from this world. They were always yours. You gave them to me, and they have kept your word. 7Now they know that everything I have is a gift from you, 8for I have passed on to them the message you gave me. They accepted it and know that I came from you, and they believe you sent me.

9“My prayer is not for the world, but for those you have given me, because they belong to you. 10All who are mine belong to you, and you have given them to me, so they bring me glory. 11Now I am departing from the world; they are staying in this world, but I am coming to you. Holy Father, you have given me your name; now protect them by the power of your name so that they will be united just as we are. 12During my time here, I protected them by the power of the name you gave me. I guarded them so that not one was lost, except the one headed for destruction, as the Scriptures foretold.

13“Now I am coming to you. I told them many things while I was with them in this world so they would be filled with my joy. 14I have given them your word. And the world hates them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world. 15I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one. 16They do not belong to this world any more than I do. 17Make them holy by your truth; teach them your word, which is truth. 18Just as you sent me into the world, I am sending them into the world. 19And I give myself as a holy sacrifice for them so they can be made holy by your truth.

20“I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. 21I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me.

22“I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. 23I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me. 24Father, I want these whom you have given me to be with me where I am. Then they can see all the glory you gave me because you loved me even before the world began!

25“O righteous Father, the world doesn’t know you, but I do; and these disciples know you sent me. 26I have revealed you to them, and I will continue to do so. Then your love for me will be in them, and I will be in them.”

How awesome is that?

Anyways, even though I'm called to singleness right now, I still think about who my future husband might be, especially during this whole dating series at Resonate. I know for a fact that he's going to have to be able to lead me to the Lord--other men in my past have no idea where to even lead themselves let alone another soul. I'm looking towards the kingdom, but I still can't help praying for him, wherever he may be. He may not know it now, but I love him already and can't wait to meet him.

<3

The Self

The further I get in my study of psychology, the more I dislike the field. I think there is way too much focus on ourselves--self-actualizing, self-esteem, self-help, self self self. Who am I? What does this person, and that person, think of me? Looking inward to feel better, finding your "inner peace" and "nirvana" through meditating on yourself; over-analyzing every single little situation and thinking so much about what YOU did to cause everything in your life and victimizing yourself. Of course I'm like this because this person did that, and my family is like this, blah blah blah.

It's all just so arrogant, that we mean so much and can impact so much. We try to control every situation, to "be all we can be" and fix ourselves to the point of reaching our personal potential. For what? What does that gain in the world? Who really cares if you live some Americanized life of living up to your so-called potential? And what impact does that truly make? In all honesty, fifty years down the line no one is going to care whether you had a white picket fence, ran a marathon, and was able to hand-bake all of your childrens' snacks at their soccer game. No one. And the things your mother said to you to cause you to have anxiety day and night because you gained an extra five pounds? Who. Cares.

Anyways, I'm trying to focus on the verse "Be still and know that I am God." I put it on a post-it on my computer, because I've found that the past week I've been soooo restless and wanting to control everything that's been bothering me. Like, HELLO, everything has and will work out fine. God's in control, NOT me. And also? My job in life is NOT to be trying to fix everything and everyone that comes through it. It's been really humbling. I want to serve, to find joy in exhaustion and be content in heartache, to praise when suffering and have the honor of losing myself to Him. Call it radical--but I think I've focused wayyy too much on myself the past 22 years and I'm making up for lost time. My heart and mind are sick of focusing on my issues and who is doing what to me and who is thinking what about me that it's causing me to do a complete 180. The new self is wayyyy different than the old, and even though I've been so stuck on finding my own identity and developing my own personality the past couple years, it's gotten me nowhere except finding that my identity is in Him. All I want to do is serve, my mission is to love. I'm trying to stop caring about being loved and getting attention, to stop being so ego-centric/self-centered/victimizing myself. There is no substance in those things. My name is Emily, and I am a closet attention-whore. No I do not wear 200 lbs of make-up and shirts that show my mid-drift, nor am I the touchy-feely flirt, but I have my moments. My heart has been the same as those girls, even if it doesn't surface as often as some. I can't wait to be done with all of that.

Updates:

-I caught my first fish today with my elementary school kiddos! I loooooove love love doing Sunday School, and these kids just make my day.

-I finally (semi) finished my Victims' Panel video, which memorializes my friend Tanya. She passed away in a drunk driving accident two years ago and this tells her story from her best friends' perspectives. We show the video to people who get convicted of DUIs, MIPs, Negligent Driving, etc. and her legacy is really making an impact on the Pullman community. So great :).

-Allllsoooo, I applied for the World Race. Please pray for my interview on Wednesday, I'm so excited and cannot wait to go and serve the Lord and do His work in the nations.

Thy Kingdom Come

One of my greatest weaknesses is patience, and I think that this is a major lesson the Lord has been teaching me the past couple of years. Not the type of patience that involves waiting for a meal at a restaurant or sitting for an extra thirty seconds at a stoplight. If the average person were to look at me in those types of situations, they could possibly think that I was the epitome of the virtue. What a silly façade. There is so much of me that just wants everything now. I am in a get-everything-quick age, born on the East Coast of one of the highest-speed nations on the planet. I have been medically diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (who hasn’t these days). I’ve taken SO many matters into my own hands because I’ve wanted something, and I’ve wanted it now. Just thinking about some of the most precious moments that I’ve hastened the process of brings tears to my eyes and deeply hurts my heart. The lies I’ve told to assure myself of obtaining these things, plotting and tricking others to give me what I “need.” It sickens me. But God has shown me the greatest amount of patience, through His continual pursuit of me and unconditional love.

It’s taken me awhile to post in this site again. First off, I don’t know how often I’ll post here, mainly because I have a community of believers now to talk with about my personal issues (and also a personal journal for that), and I don’t think it's appropriate for this to become a candid and public confessional. I’m open, but not that open. I can’t tell you the anxiety I felt when my parents found this site…and the amount of editing that immediately ensued. As time has passed, I've realized how much of a blessing it was to confess all of this to them, albeit in a bizarre and indirect way. I think the honesty was able to show the glory of God and how much darkness He was (and still is) able to save me from.

Second, I have always had a life pursuit of wisdom (hence the psychology and humanities), and even as a non-believer I related to Ecclesiastes 7:23 when it said “All this I have tested by wisdom. I said, ‘I will be wise,’ but it was far from me.” My first pursuit as a believer was to figure out what biblical wisdom was and how to obtain it. This is what stuck out to me the most:

                Fear of the LORD is the foundation of wisdom. Knowledge of the Holy One results in good judgment. (Proverbs 9:10)

However:

                The woman named Folly is brash. She is ignorant and doesn’t know it. She sits in her doorway on the heights overlooking the city. She calls out to men going by who are minding their own business. “Come in with me,” she urges the simple. To those who lack good judgment, she says, “Stolen water is refreshing; food eaten in secret tastes the best!” But little do they know that the dead are there. Her guests are in the depths of the grave. (Proverbs 9:13-18)

How many times have I been this woman? Too often to count, that’s for sure. This is why I have kept quiet. My brashness has gotten me in a host of trouble and the last thing I would want is for the wisdom of my flesh to haphazardly spill on this page.

Anyways, my spirit is restless. I pray daily for contentedness, because the Lord has put me in this town to shine His light where there is darkness. So many people need Him out here, and I am honored to be given this opportunity. Yet there is such a huge desire in me to go other places. I am deeply saddened by the amount of entitlement here, the abuse of blessings and the gross objectification of humans. I am learning to forgive and not take things personally anymore, but it’s a daily struggle. A large part of me wishes I could have been born ugly to this world, that I could have been born dumb, that I could have been born in the poorest of villages in the poorest of nations. It’s so difficult to love this world, it blows my mind that He’s able to, but that’s what I’m called to do. Thy kingdom come Father, please. I’d much rather strip down everything that I have than live in this city of excess, brains, and beauty. I don’t care anymore about the knowledge from my classroom. There is so much more out there, so much more to do. I am wasting away trying to selfishly gain knowledge—and for what? Who cares if I can prove an alternate hypothesis, or tell you the impact Fechner had on psychology?

So I’m learning to trust, to be patient. Trust my Father, that He has put me in this place and time for a reason and that all of this knowledge will be used for His kingdom in some way, shape or form. I’ve been really clearing out my heart of the baggage that has built up over the years—His redemption is real, and I know that I’ll be better equipped after all of this to serve Him. His Spirit has freed me from so much, and like I said before, I’m a piece of work. To Him be the glory.

                ¹⁶But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. ¹⁷For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. ¹⁸But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. ¹⁹Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, ²⁰idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, ²¹envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. ²²But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. ²⁴And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.

                                                                                                                      (Galatians 5: 16-25)

Prayer requests:

God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Ephesians 2:8-10)

Please pray that I stay strong and listen to the Spirit, so that I can do these good works. God has some huge plans for me—please pray my flesh does not get in the way of them. There is so much that tempts me in Pullman, and outside of Pullman, that causes me to take my eyes off the Lord and His plans for me. He is setting me free from sins of my past that keep resurfacing in other forms. It is a daily battle but one I know He can conquer (The light shines in the darkness and the darkness does not overcome it John 1:5).

Also, the World Race has been on my heart. I now have a heart for missions, and need prayers if this is the right path for me to go on, and the patience and perseverance to focus on the task at hand (serving the people of Pullman, serving those with substance abuse issues, serving Greeks, oh yeah, and graduating). http://www.theworldrace.org/

Finally, pray for peace in the world, specifically in Jos, Nigeria where Jeanine is serving as a high school guidance counselor—an Islamic group is massacring the Christians there and the city needs as many prayers as possible.

<3

Humility + Self-Improvement?

I know it's been awhile...so many times I've thought about things to post here but never actually started posting anything. My last post was just so...optimistic and strong. And to be honest? I'm coming out of a hard couple of weeks. My relationship with Christ is being tested. It's just such a different way of living. Pullman is beautiful in the summertime, and you know what that has meant for me in the past? Drinking and smoking. Why? It's gorgeous outside and there's hardly anything else to do!

Needless to say, I've slipped up a lot.

Yes, I, Emily, have a lot of work to do.

That's the thing about this blog and this journey--just because I've realized that Christianity is the truth (and there's absolutely no way I could deny that after my experiences...not just what I wrote in the last post, but SO much else--I need to start writing it down when I realize these things, because there are just blatant ways that God has spoken to me and revealed Himself to me...and I say that in the most "I have a psych degree and I swear I'm not schizo" way I possibly can), doesn't mean I'm even close to being sinless. So what makes this different? I'm forgiven. Each time I sin, I realize how much I needed Jesus in my life, to wipe my slate clean each day. How much I needed Him to die on the cross for my sins so that I would be forgiven and made pure in God's eyes. I've been trying to read the Old Testament, and I can't tell you how grateful I am that we no longer have to sacrifice an animal each time we sin (imagine how PITA fanatics would feel in a world like that). Now, I try my hardest to obey His Word, repent when I feel convicted to (and, by the way, I also need to write something about the difference between my relationship with God now and before...because the guilt I felt before was paralyzing, which is why I would always go back to being "spiritual"...and also I have a problem with authority in general which has always made an intangible god hard to follow), and then try my hardest to truly believe that I'm forgiven (which is a struggle in itself...especially with how I've sinned...because I know that all sin is the same in God's eyes, but come ON don't you think you would want to say sorry 10000 times if you murdered someone than if you used God's name in vain? Not that I murdered anyone, but still).

Anyways, sorry for rambling. I just really felt bad for leaving on such a "Things are perfect now that I've found the Lord" post. Because HELLOOOOOO, I am 100% human, and anyone that knows me knows that I am definitely not perfect. The difference is that I have a role model of how God wants us to live our lives, and I know that He loves me and that I'll never live a sinless life. I'm doing my best though. I've been genuinely repenting, and doing a bible study on habitual sin (which I have a ton of, by the way).

The hardest thing about changing my life around is that there really is so much to change. In addition, I always pray for God to start convicting me of my sin--so I realize it more often and sooner when I'm doing something wrong. I've also been experiencing actual consequences for my actions...something that I'm really not used to. Not to sound like a brat, but sometimes I am. Sometimes I feel extremely entitled to things and people, literally acting like a martyr when I do something unselfish.

It's a very humbling experience to say the least, and I praise the Lord for it. I think the biggest parable that's spoken to me recently (as in, earlier today) has been the "Parable of the Sower," which is mentioned in three of the four gospels in the New Testament.

Here it is in Luke 8:1-15 :

The Parable of the Sower

 ¹ After this, Jesus traveled about from one town and village to another, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom of God. The Twelve were with him, ² and also some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases: Mary (called Magdalene) from whom seven demons had come out; ³ Joanna the wife of Chuza, the manager of Herod’s household; Susanna; and many others. These women were helping to support them out of their own means.  ⁴ While a large crowd was gathering and people were coming to Jesus from town after town, he told this parable: ⁵ “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds ate it up. ⁶ Some fell on rocky ground, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. ⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown.”
   When he said this, he called out, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”
 ⁹ His disciples asked him what this parable meant. ¹⁰ He said, “The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that,
   “‘though seeing, they may not see;
   though hearing, they may not understand.’^[a]
   11 “This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. ¹² Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. ¹³ Those on the rocky ground are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. ¹⁴ The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. ¹⁵ But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.

Here is an amazing explanation from Beth Moore (who, by the way, I am so reluctant to promote...because I once told my mom that she was probably a cult leader. This was before I actually heard her speak...she's an amazing woman of God). It's the first video of a playlist: Law of the Harvest Part 1


Annnnnyway, I'll try to be better about posting in this :).

Finals Week Test-imony

Okay, I know I should be writing my English paper but I feel compelled after an AMAZING conversation with my best friend from jr. high, Jeanine, and I really want to share how I came to believing that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and that there is no other way I can live my life.

Unlike many college kids who come to the faith, I actually grew up in a very strong Christian family. Right now, my dad is an elder and my mom is one of the heads of the womens' bible study in their church. I should have been a super gung-ho Christian, right?? Notttt really. Anyway, I also went to a Lutheran school for 8 years of my life (my grandpa was the head of a large region of Lutheran schools in the Illinois area before he retired, so it was kind of a given that I would go to this school) and got the full-on Missouri Synod Lutheran education. This is just as strict and exclusive as Catholicism...my question that I had to answer before the church before my confirmation was "Why is Lutheranism the true faith?" HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! SOOOOO blasphemous!!! In addition to the bitterness I felt from the institutionalized religion, my mom was really struggling with alcoholism, and I felt every single judging look from the members of this church. There was some compassion, but I felt like my family was the scandal of the church. There was a bunch of hypocrisy and exclusivity that really pushed me away from the faith. I did find an AMAZING group of girls that I still keep in touch with (one of them was Jeanine, who I still skype with regularly). Once I was in high school, I tried to find a group of Christians to hang out with to replicate my girlfriends from junior high, and joined YoungLife. However, the girls that I had met in this program were also exclusive, or at least had been friends for a loooong time and spoke in mostly inside jokes, like most high schoolers are, and I was so self-conscious that I focused all this energy in impressing them that I got burnt out. I remember crying at a YoungLife retreat because they didn't feel like friends to me (now I know that they were not perfect and probably were shocked that I was crying about feeling left out!), and that I was sick of trying to impress them. Next thing you know, I'm seeking out friends that drink, and get involved with a boy that was an outspoken atheist. I began to believe that the Bible was just a Cliff Notes on how to live your life, and that it was my job to figure out how to create my own life.

Then I found out that I was moving, after the school year ended. I was gone two weeks later...the next September people didn't know where I was and my best friend at the time had to tell them that I'd moved to Seattle! It was super quick...I barely got to say goodbye. So then at my new high school, I became friends quickly with the "wrong" crowd, and began rebelling. My mom was sober, and tried to step in to become a mom for the first time, which caused me to rebel even more. We weren't forced to go to church, and I filled that void with drinking and smoking and boys. My grades weren't important to me at all, and I started to get behind in my classes. I remember crying almost every day because of how unhappy I was with school and my life...the only time I felt comfortable was when I was high, and the only time I felt loved was when I was kissing boys. I dropped out of my IB classes and went to the regular classes, regularly skipping them. I went from being Columbia- or Pepperdine-bound to barely graduating high school and seriously considering dropping out and getting my GED on my own time. With God's grace I graduated, and was accepted to Washington State University, where all of my high school friends were going to. I also started dating a boy who was a Christian, and he brought me back to thinking about Jesus in my life.

At WSU, I joined a sorority, and found the Christian Greek group, Feul. I immediately found a boy in that group, who happened to be in the fraternity that was our homecoming partner. We talked about the Lord and I trusted him quickly because of these talks, but he proved to be untrustworthy very quickly. I was shocked and transferred this shock to Fuel, thinking that the people that were in it were either hypocrites or overly judgmental of how I wanted to live my life. I turned away from it and began to just "do my own thing." This lasted for three years. I was uncomfortable with God, because Christianity meant that I would feel guilty for doing all of these things. I mean, like I said before, who doesn't live the crazy life while in Pullman? How could God expect me to live like that when it was so fun? I wanted to do everything that made me feel as good as possible and as quick as possible. Through this time, I battled depression and substance abuse. I had some fun times, but when I reached my senior year I realized I needed more...that I needed to develop myself spiritually, whatever that meant. I began researching different religious ideas, picking and choosing what sounded the best. I wanted to live "my best life." I was still depressed, now on anti-depression medicine, and still disrespecting myself too. Then...I had a dream.

I was reading a magazine that had an article called "Are you following your dreams?" or something of that nature. In it, there was a sidebar piece about what your actual dreams meant regarding your goals in life. There was a list of about ten or so common dreams, like flying, or getting chased, etc. I went to bed that night with the intention that I wanted to have one of those dreams, so I could see where I was. So here's the dream: I was told by the DJ and manager of my favorite bar (let's call him DJ Silvertoe) that Hugh Heffner had called and he wanted to do a photoshoot of me and my best friend for Playboy. I agreed, but said that I wouldn't take my clothes off. During the photoshoot, he said that actually he did want me to take my clothes off. I left the room, saying that I wasn't going to do that. Then, I get transferred into another room where DJ Silvertoe's head (just his head) is on this platform and it looks lifeless. I suddenly feel this huge wave of evilness come from that region of the room. I look straight at the head, saying, "you realize I don't believe in this right?" and suddenly the head comes to life, looks straight at me, and says: "Oh yeah? You don't believe in this? Hah!" and I'm thrown to the back of the room, overcome with the evil feeling. I'm completely overwhelmed, and the head is over me laughing along with another figurine head that had red blinking eyes (it was something that I had found on Halloween in a dumpster in real life and was really freaky looking). I start yelling out everything I could think of--"This isn't real! It's just a dream!" and even to the point of saying "Get away from me in the name of God!"--none of it worked (in real life, I had also begun to accept that there was a higher power that I would call God, but that was it). Then, I finally gave up fighting and struggling, and said, "Get away from me in the name of Jesus Christ!"

I woke up.

It was the most powerful dream that I have ever had. And I'm the dream queen...I'm a psych major, so I'm enchanted by the symbolism in dreams...last summer I tried to teach myself how to lucid dream, and I'm an avid checker of dreamdictionary.com to see the meanings of my dreams. Anyway, I also looked at that article, and one of the dreams that was possible was a nightmare. It said: "There is some aspect of your life that is unfulfilled."

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!??

Of course, I called Jeanine, and told her all about it. She told me that it was rare that God reaches people in dreams so vividly and so overtly, and that this wasn't something that I could ignore. I agreed, and started to look back in to Christianity as the way to live my life. I bought a devotional and a book called "God Chicks," which was how to live as a Christian woman in the 21st century. This was all great, but I was still partying like a crazy chick and living that life, not fully giving myself to the Lord.

Then, I decided to work for my friend's dad at a super-corrupt Christian conference during new years (like, corrupt in the fact that they were selling seats to heaven for 50 gs). During this conference, I prayed to God that He would bring people to me that would give me messages that I needed to hear. And He did not disappoint! One of them was an old man with wild and dirty blondish-white hair who was missing teeth and wearing an "I love Jesus" shirt...haha! I swear this guy was an angel. But the major thing that happened at this conference was that a good guy friend of mine texted me, just asking what I was doing, and I told him where I was. He was surprised that I was a Christian (who wouldn't be, I wasn't acting like one!), and said that he had recently come to the faith too and asked if I wanted to start looking for churches with him. So, we started going "church shopping." All of the churches that we went to (when I actually got my hungover self out of bed) were FULL of old people! It was so discouraging that it seemed like there was no Christians my age in this town. Then, my friend got a job in Seattle, and moved to the westside of the state, leaving me alone and without finding a church. I gave up the search. Then I was sent to the SAPST conference in Spokane, and had two younger women just boldly profess their faith, which was awe-inspiring to me, considering it was a secular event. I also learned a TON about how bad drinking and drugs was on my brain, which made me realize that I was done drinking (or at least getting drunk!) and doing drugs.

On my way home from Spokane on the last day (so the 21st, which was a Thursday), I had a conversation with my mom, and during the conversation she told me about an amazing experience that she had with her friends from church. They had just been through a rough period, and made up an hour before I called. I told her that I was worried that the friends that I'd made the past four years wouldn't stick with me in a situation like that--that many of them really didn't even know who I was outside of drinking and that I was worried we wouldn't keep in touch, that I hadn't felt that true bond of friendship since middle school. She pointed out that I really hadn't sought out Christian friends since then, which was true. I decided to start praying that night that I would find a community of college-age Christians to surround myself with.

Friday night, I texted a girl in my marketing group (who I didn't know but randomly joined at the beginning of the semester) about a homework assignment that was due that night. She didn't get back to me until the next day, saying that she was at a retreat. I asked her which retreat she was at, and she said Campus Crusade for Christ. (!). I told her that I wanted to start going to the meetings, and about the conversation with my mom and how I had just started praying about meeting Christian people in Pullman. I had also messaged a girl named Rachelle, who happened to be Megan's bible study leader. Then on Tuesday, I met Rachelle for coffee and told her about everything that had happened, and my dream, and how I wanted to start getting involved with a Christian community. Tuesday night, I randomly decided to go to Megan's benefit concert, because it was something different and I wanted to check it out. The concert was amazing, and I was able to see a Christian band and other Christians interact--such an open and nice bunch of people haha. I went to coffee with Megan on Thursday, having multiple people come by at the CUB and say hi. Then that night I went to Cru for the first time since freshman year, and Rachelle introduced me to a girl named Lindsey, who would be in Pullman during the summer, and who I just went to coffee with today (which would have been SO weird in any other situation, but since I know she's a strong woman of God I had no problem doing...and we ended up having an amazing talk because of that common bond of sisterhood).

I've also been watching the Luke series from Mars Hill church...which I went to on Easter (verrry hesitantly, because I'm super skeptical of large churches) and fell in love with..check it out :). It's been life-changing.

So here I am, Emily, the crazy sorority girl turned Jesus lover. I now am living as His servant, and can't wait to see what journey He wants me undertake in His name.

Don't get me wrong--it kinda freaks me out! But I can't deny His presence in my life any longer, and am SO thankful for His persistence and dedication to seeking me out to bring me back to the faith.

SOOOO much more has happened in the past week that has blatantly shown the Lord's work in my life (it gives me goosebumps just thinking about it all), but I really need to stop procrastinating and start studying...bleck.

Wowza.

Soooo...new focus, and a MUCH better focus, if you ask me :). This past Easter weekend has been unexplainable but absolutely wonderful. Last Thursday, I began praying about finding a community of college-age Christians. I have been personally growing in my faith the past year, after living on my own since really my sophomore year in high school (on and off). I wasn't ready to make the full dive into the whole Christianity thing, because I've had experiences in churches that were really judgmental and hypocritical...and who's to say that Jesus is the only way? Wellll, I certainly have gotten my answer to that. God has truly set me on a path to walk with Him, and I can't deny it any longer. Literally two days later, I got a text from a girl who randomly joined my marketing group, and she happened to mention that she was at a Campus Crusades for Christ retreat...hellloooo, PERFECT! We have been chatting and just met up today, talking about our insane encounters with God and how He has been working in our lives. I'm still blown away. He has literally surrounded me with other Christians in one week of me asking Him to.

Anyway, I want to post how the heck this all happened...but it'll have to wait another day.

Happy Earth Day :)

It's about mid-way through my third day of this sobriety-kick. Normally three days without drinking isn't that big of a deal, but now that I'm thinking about it and focusing on not drinking, it's been a little challenging. For example, today is absolutely gorgeous. A little chilly, but the sun's shining, and it's Friday in Pullman. Meaning...day drinking. Duh. The roommates are starting at two (one hour to nap the bagel bar off), and then tomorrow is Monopoly date dash. Monopoly is the famed biad date dash (two frats involved), but half of Greek row ends up going. It's a day drinking extravaganza...I went last year and had the time of my life. In addition, there's a block party for my street, among other things going on that day. Finally, Sunday (which is also Easter, mind you) is our final pledge class open-to-close (you stay at the bar from open to close, literally). Annnd then there you go. That would've been my weekend. I, however, will be driving home in a couple hours and spending the weekend with my family. It's been the first time that I've been with them for Easter since we moved from Illinois when I was in high school. It used to be a huge event--all the cousins and extended family would gather at my grandparents house for ham and delicious food--but I stopped joining the celebration after the move. Juuust a little rebel. Anyways, it'll be nice to spend time with the family and have a low-stress and simple weekend.

I want to mention that I'm not trying to isolate my friends in this process. In fact, many of them are extremely supportive and understanding of me doing this. Last night, I hung out with my roommates and some other friends as they were drinking in our living room. I didn't feel weird because I wasn't drinking (not that they were especially getting drunk though), and we had some great conversations that didn't revolve around gossip or television. And people are curious about why I've stopped, which has given me the opportunity to talk about some of my reasons doing this.

All in all, life's good :).

Sorry for NOT partying.

Well, I have decided my focus for this blog....(drum roll please)...I'm going to be sober for a year! This doesn't mean I won't have the occasional glass of wine or beer with dinner, but no more binge drinking (or using any other substances for that matter). This SAPST training course is really changing the way I'm looking at alcohol and drugs, and new research is coming out with statistics showing that the human brain isn't fully developed until the age of 24. This means that I'm severely damaging the potential that my brain has, and I can truly see it manifest in the way that I speak, in my emotional states/mood swings, through my relationships with others, in my grades and motivation levels, and with my general experience in life. I have had so many negative experiences with the substance that it's time to let it go from my life for a little bit. Not saying that it's going to be forever, but I want to see if I can do it. It's going to be extremely difficult though, let me tell you. Many of my relationships are maintained through regular drinking binges...you know, sitting around a table, playing cards that tell you when to take the next drink (or at least, sitting around a table, singing song lyrics, and waiting until someone else yells out "SHOT!" or "TAKE A SHOT, TAKE A SHOT, TAKE A G-D SHOT!"). I'm looking for moooore, please! At WSU, it is the norm to binge drink. Can we change this mentality? Are we really growing as individuals, or are we just training ourselves to "get by" and cheat our way through actual work, while working solely to pay for our bar tab on the weekend? I don't want to be that mom during mom's weekend who is dancing on tables and binge drinking with my kids...I don't want my kids to binge drink like I have! I want them to be healthy, positive people who develop into healthy, positive adults.

The sad thing is that I know there will be people in my life that will stop being my friends because of this, or at least stop calling me to hang out. I'm OK with this. I want to live this way, and it is my life, so if they don't approve then oh well. One of the first people I told about this, I figured would be super supportive...which he was, after saying something along the lines of "I give it two weeks" and "Will you make an exception for me when I come visit? You're such a fun person to drink with." Haha, thankkssss. I assured him that I'm just as fun when I'm not drinking...hellloooooooo, I'm a fun person dude! Anyways, even more motivation for me to do this. I mean...who doesn't drink in Pullman? Like 10% of the student body??

Ayiyii. This should be interesting.

P.S. I had 1 beer last night before I went to bed. I think that means that today would be a sufficient starting date for the sober thing...and especially appropriate given that this used to be one of my favorite holidays. ;)

Creation.

I've been meaning to start my own blog for awhile now...I always read others blogs, and now it's time to put my voice out there. I don't know quite yet what my focus will be, or even if there will be an audience, but I love to write and think that consistent writing outside of the classroom will be good for me. So who knows where it'll go. I have a few (somewhat vague) goals that I'm constantly working towards accomplishing, and this will be the vessel that shows the journey.

These goals include to...

• Be genuine and live my life with integrity and respect
• Exceed the expectation (op, #sororityplug)
• Achieve health/wellness and satisfaction with myself
• Grow spiritually
• Have a blast and make the most of my time
• Surround myself with people who respect these goals and push me to become a better person
• Constantly push myself outside of my comfort zone

Anyways, I've always written in a journal, and this is what I wrote last summer before my last one (I still feel it's appropriate):

This is my senior year at WSU. It will be wild [...]. There will be dark times. There will be light times that will be remembered forever through this. There will be stress, there will be conflict, scandal, embarrassment. But there will be tons of laughter, happiness, and success. Whatever I'm thinking will come out on the page, so watch out. This serves as a warning.

Welcome to my brain ;).