The Self

The further I get in my study of psychology, the more I dislike the field. I think there is way too much focus on ourselves--self-actualizing, self-esteem, self-help, self self self. Who am I? What does this person, and that person, think of me? Looking inward to feel better, finding your "inner peace" and "nirvana" through meditating on yourself; over-analyzing every single little situation and thinking so much about what YOU did to cause everything in your life and victimizing yourself. Of course I'm like this because this person did that, and my family is like this, blah blah blah.

It's all just so arrogant, that we mean so much and can impact so much. We try to control every situation, to "be all we can be" and fix ourselves to the point of reaching our personal potential. For what? What does that gain in the world? Who really cares if you live some Americanized life of living up to your so-called potential? And what impact does that truly make? In all honesty, fifty years down the line no one is going to care whether you had a white picket fence, ran a marathon, and was able to hand-bake all of your childrens' snacks at their soccer game. No one. And the things your mother said to you to cause you to have anxiety day and night because you gained an extra five pounds? Who. Cares.

Anyways, I'm trying to focus on the verse "Be still and know that I am God." I put it on a post-it on my computer, because I've found that the past week I've been soooo restless and wanting to control everything that's been bothering me. Like, HELLO, everything has and will work out fine. God's in control, NOT me. And also? My job in life is NOT to be trying to fix everything and everyone that comes through it. It's been really humbling. I want to serve, to find joy in exhaustion and be content in heartache, to praise when suffering and have the honor of losing myself to Him. Call it radical--but I think I've focused wayyy too much on myself the past 22 years and I'm making up for lost time. My heart and mind are sick of focusing on my issues and who is doing what to me and who is thinking what about me that it's causing me to do a complete 180. The new self is wayyyy different than the old, and even though I've been so stuck on finding my own identity and developing my own personality the past couple years, it's gotten me nowhere except finding that my identity is in Him. All I want to do is serve, my mission is to love. I'm trying to stop caring about being loved and getting attention, to stop being so ego-centric/self-centered/victimizing myself. There is no substance in those things. My name is Emily, and I am a closet attention-whore. No I do not wear 200 lbs of make-up and shirts that show my mid-drift, nor am I the touchy-feely flirt, but I have my moments. My heart has been the same as those girls, even if it doesn't surface as often as some. I can't wait to be done with all of that.

Updates:

-I caught my first fish today with my elementary school kiddos! I loooooove love love doing Sunday School, and these kids just make my day.

-I finally (semi) finished my Victims' Panel video, which memorializes my friend Tanya. She passed away in a drunk driving accident two years ago and this tells her story from her best friends' perspectives. We show the video to people who get convicted of DUIs, MIPs, Negligent Driving, etc. and her legacy is really making an impact on the Pullman community. So great :).

-Allllsoooo, I applied for the World Race. Please pray for my interview on Wednesday, I'm so excited and cannot wait to go and serve the Lord and do His work in the nations.

Thy Kingdom Come

One of my greatest weaknesses is patience, and I think that this is a major lesson the Lord has been teaching me the past couple of years. Not the type of patience that involves waiting for a meal at a restaurant or sitting for an extra thirty seconds at a stoplight. If the average person were to look at me in those types of situations, they could possibly think that I was the epitome of the virtue. What a silly façade. There is so much of me that just wants everything now. I am in a get-everything-quick age, born on the East Coast of one of the highest-speed nations on the planet. I have been medically diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (who hasn’t these days). I’ve taken SO many matters into my own hands because I’ve wanted something, and I’ve wanted it now. Just thinking about some of the most precious moments that I’ve hastened the process of brings tears to my eyes and deeply hurts my heart. The lies I’ve told to assure myself of obtaining these things, plotting and tricking others to give me what I “need.” It sickens me. But God has shown me the greatest amount of patience, through His continual pursuit of me and unconditional love.

It’s taken me awhile to post in this site again. First off, I don’t know how often I’ll post here, mainly because I have a community of believers now to talk with about my personal issues (and also a personal journal for that), and I don’t think it's appropriate for this to become a candid and public confessional. I’m open, but not that open. I can’t tell you the anxiety I felt when my parents found this site…and the amount of editing that immediately ensued. As time has passed, I've realized how much of a blessing it was to confess all of this to them, albeit in a bizarre and indirect way. I think the honesty was able to show the glory of God and how much darkness He was (and still is) able to save me from.

Second, I have always had a life pursuit of wisdom (hence the psychology and humanities), and even as a non-believer I related to Ecclesiastes 7:23 when it said “All this I have tested by wisdom. I said, ‘I will be wise,’ but it was far from me.” My first pursuit as a believer was to figure out what biblical wisdom was and how to obtain it. This is what stuck out to me the most:

                Fear of the LORD is the foundation of wisdom. Knowledge of the Holy One results in good judgment. (Proverbs 9:10)

However:

                The woman named Folly is brash. She is ignorant and doesn’t know it. She sits in her doorway on the heights overlooking the city. She calls out to men going by who are minding their own business. “Come in with me,” she urges the simple. To those who lack good judgment, she says, “Stolen water is refreshing; food eaten in secret tastes the best!” But little do they know that the dead are there. Her guests are in the depths of the grave. (Proverbs 9:13-18)

How many times have I been this woman? Too often to count, that’s for sure. This is why I have kept quiet. My brashness has gotten me in a host of trouble and the last thing I would want is for the wisdom of my flesh to haphazardly spill on this page.

Anyways, my spirit is restless. I pray daily for contentedness, because the Lord has put me in this town to shine His light where there is darkness. So many people need Him out here, and I am honored to be given this opportunity. Yet there is such a huge desire in me to go other places. I am deeply saddened by the amount of entitlement here, the abuse of blessings and the gross objectification of humans. I am learning to forgive and not take things personally anymore, but it’s a daily struggle. A large part of me wishes I could have been born ugly to this world, that I could have been born dumb, that I could have been born in the poorest of villages in the poorest of nations. It’s so difficult to love this world, it blows my mind that He’s able to, but that’s what I’m called to do. Thy kingdom come Father, please. I’d much rather strip down everything that I have than live in this city of excess, brains, and beauty. I don’t care anymore about the knowledge from my classroom. There is so much more out there, so much more to do. I am wasting away trying to selfishly gain knowledge—and for what? Who cares if I can prove an alternate hypothesis, or tell you the impact Fechner had on psychology?

So I’m learning to trust, to be patient. Trust my Father, that He has put me in this place and time for a reason and that all of this knowledge will be used for His kingdom in some way, shape or form. I’ve been really clearing out my heart of the baggage that has built up over the years—His redemption is real, and I know that I’ll be better equipped after all of this to serve Him. His Spirit has freed me from so much, and like I said before, I’m a piece of work. To Him be the glory.

                ¹⁶But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. ¹⁷For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. ¹⁸But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. ¹⁹Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, ²⁰idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, ²¹envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. ²²But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. ²⁴And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.

                                                                                                                      (Galatians 5: 16-25)

Prayer requests:

God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Ephesians 2:8-10)

Please pray that I stay strong and listen to the Spirit, so that I can do these good works. God has some huge plans for me—please pray my flesh does not get in the way of them. There is so much that tempts me in Pullman, and outside of Pullman, that causes me to take my eyes off the Lord and His plans for me. He is setting me free from sins of my past that keep resurfacing in other forms. It is a daily battle but one I know He can conquer (The light shines in the darkness and the darkness does not overcome it John 1:5).

Also, the World Race has been on my heart. I now have a heart for missions, and need prayers if this is the right path for me to go on, and the patience and perseverance to focus on the task at hand (serving the people of Pullman, serving those with substance abuse issues, serving Greeks, oh yeah, and graduating). http://www.theworldrace.org/

Finally, pray for peace in the world, specifically in Jos, Nigeria where Jeanine is serving as a high school guidance counselor—an Islamic group is massacring the Christians there and the city needs as many prayers as possible.

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