Okay, I know I should be doing homework right now...but I just wanted to share some old journal entries of mine that just blow my mind.
Sometime in late September, 2010
"I know it's been awhile since we really talked, but please believe my small prayers that I've thought--that I can't do all this without you. Life is so wonderful, but I'm being challenged and I really need your help & guidance. [lots left out, sorrryyyyy ;)] Please help me to recognize and acknowledge your presence in my life, and that my personality and self doesn't have to be sacrificed when I let you in. Please give me peace, clarity, and strength. Let me live my life favorably to you, so I can find my path and travel it with confidence and passion. I need you, MY God, my mentor, and the one and only being that can bring me out of all of this. If there is a higher power out there (which I know there is, my species is not the biggest thing out here), please show me how to follow you, because I only know a way that brings the world oppression, restriction, guilt, and corruption. Amen."
Haha...I couldn't help but put this one in first. It was the bookends of one of my first prayers. I really didn't want to believe that God or Christianity was real...because it was starting to be way too obvious, and it would get even more obvious.
Flash forward through many months of sad, sad entries...
April 2011
"Dear Jesus, thank you for bringing me so close to you the past two weeks. Your Light in my heart is overflowing, and just reading my letters to you (they weren't really addressed to You, but I know You heard) brings me so much joy because in my sin and doubt You made Your glory shine that much sweeter. Thank You for making my heart pure through Your death and defeat over the devil--through You all things are possible. I am sorry for all that I've been idolizing the past couple years [...] you know, the works. Please reveal to me any other things that I am idolizing, and give me the strength to change."
Uh oh...started praying to be convicted of things. Haha...this is when the 4-day hangover happened too. This is one of the things I wrote during that time:
May 2011
"There is a time to heal (Ephesians 3:3)
From your head to your toes there isn't a healthy spot. Bruises, cuts, and open sores go without care or oil to heal the pain (Isaiah 1:6)
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3)
Lord, I know I'm a piece of work, and that there are so many wounds I'm asking you to heal at this time. Please, I ask you to reach inside my heart and lift me up and transform me. My life is Yours to have--use me according to Your will. I am nothing without Your saving grace. I PRAISE Your for everything You have done thus far, for not giving up on me, for being a persistent father and showing me Your abounding love. Amen"
June 2011
"In other thoughts--
I want to GO somewhere. I am so bummed about not going to South Africa. I think I might go crazy not leaving Pullman this summer..."What do you think you're passionate about"...I whoa...spaced out moment. Anyways, I really want to be helping people in other countries. But I feel bad (ironicVVV)
Find your passion. Make your difference. [magazine clipping on the next page lol]
not helping the people in my own country, or even community, first. But these people have so much, I have so much...and its hard to find anyone truly happy. Why is everyone so sad here? I get sad here--planning and thinking up ways to get out keep me sane, yet once again I'm here!! I really do love the summer here, but I'm getting to the point where I want to spread my wings--suck the marrow of life, if you will. I want to meet people outside of my comfort zone, get out and actually make a difference in their lives and have them do the same for me in return. I want to seek the wisdom of the world, through the compassion and love that I now feel.
You know that feeling in your gut that sends chills? Or is that the couple sips of wine?
Sometimes, I feel more lost than ever. But most of the time, it just feels right."
Hahah, I don't think God let any part of my personality be lost in this process...He just cleaned up some of my junk and put love in its place. He's bound up my deep deep wounds and broken heart, and given me clarity and strength. He's letting me go, and I get to spread my wings and see the world through His eyes.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
PTL
I'm racing I'm racing I'm racinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
I GOT IN <3
PRAISE THE LORD
ahhhhh and to think--just last year at this time I was going in to the WSU counselors to get counseling for partying too much---
now God has chosen me as an ambassador for the NATIONS.
the nations.
goodness gracious, redemption is beautiful.
the next two years are going to be insaneeeee. <3
I GOT IN <3
PRAISE THE LORD
ahhhhh and to think--just last year at this time I was going in to the WSU counselors to get counseling for partying too much---
now God has chosen me as an ambassador for the NATIONS.
the nations.
goodness gracious, redemption is beautiful.
the next two years are going to be insaneeeee. <3
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
clothed with dignity and strength
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand.
Oooooh my goodness, have I been tested this past week. First off, I'm still praying to not to be so anxious about the World Race--my interview was last week, and I think it went really well (I find out within the next couple days). It was so crazy to talk about all of the things that have touched my life and all of the things that God has redeemed me from. I'm beginning to really see how he was guiding my steps, even though I was blind to the meaning of His word and amazing love and pursual.
[Hellooo beautiful sunrise. I saw this on my way back from Leavenworth this past weekend. I can't even tell you how awesome this drive was, as it lifted so many veils from my eyes, and how monumental and reassuring this sunrise was to see afterwards.]
The Race recommends (and I agreed) to not start any new relationships until the trip, and especially to refrain from getting into relationships on the trip. I, Emily, will be single and focusing on my relationship with the Lord for two more years. Thiiiisss, my friends, is what I will need the most prayers about and will be tested the most (at least from what I can tell now). God has used the past couple weeks to really break some chains that have been in my life for almost four years now. My desire to be with a certain man was clearly holding me back from giving God my whole heart, and the evil one did not want me to let go--he has been trying to get me to ruminate about it and accuse me of soooo many awful awful things from it. I trust my Father's sovereignty, and I know that there is better out there for me. I deeply loved the potential of this man's heart, but not what it was in actuality. It took some huuuuge slaps of reality to bring my head out of the clouds and lift the veil from my eyes regarding the truth about his heart.
Even while typing this a part of me wishes things could have gone differently, and I look back on things that I did that I know pushed away. That I knew would push away. The whole thing is way too complicated (four years worth of complications...eeeeek), but when I decided to give him another chance, I don't think I truly believed it would work from the start. About a month ago, after reading my Bible during a two-hour break between classes, I paused to be in solitude with the Lord. In a small but clear voice, I heard "love --." My response? "Whaaaatttt Lord? Love him? Excuse me, but I don't want to even be thinking about him, because I don't think he's the one for me. I don't want to be thinking like that about a man who isn't my husband, and I'm not sure if I can think about him any other way." But then, I felt an amazing peace about it. And maybe God wanted me to learn how to love him like a friend, like a brother, but maybe He wanted me to love him so that I knew that he could never understand my love or love me in return. Only He knows. Whatever it meant, it's in the past, and now I've been able to focus on my ultimate pursuer--Jesus.
Oookay, time out. Let me just say that if I would have read that a couple months ago, I would have never gotten what it meant to be "in a relationship" with Jesus (and also let me say...that the past three years around this time--homecoming--I was seeking out counseling for stupid things I was doing while intoxicated...talk about transformation). It would have seemed weak to me, and a little too much. But you know what? I'm finding that the more work I do on my heart, and the more time I spend in my bible and in fellowship, it's soooooooo above and beyond any love that I could have ever imagined. Learning how Jesus loved, how He loved His disciples even though they were imperfect and screwed up all the time, and how He prayed for them--it blows my mind. I still haven't comprehended it all, which is what makes this all so great. My faith is growing exponentially each day, and I think that God is just catching up for lost time, as I do the same.
I mean, just take in this prayer:
After saying all these things, Jesus looked up to heaven and said, “Father, the hour has come. Glorify your Son so he can give glory back to you. 2For you have given him authority over everyone. He gives eternal life to each one you have given him. 3And this is the way to have eternal life—to know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, the one you sent to earth. 4I brought glory to you here on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. 5Now, Father, bring me into the glory we shared before the world began.
How awesome is that?
Anyways, even though I'm called to singleness right now, I still think about who my future husband might be, especially during this whole dating series at Resonate. I know for a fact that he's going to have to be able to lead me to the Lord--other men in my past have no idea where to even lead themselves let alone another soul. I'm looking towards the kingdom, but I still can't help praying for him, wherever he may be. He may not know it now, but I love him already and can't wait to meet him.
<3
The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand.
Oooooh my goodness, have I been tested this past week. First off, I'm still praying to not to be so anxious about the World Race--my interview was last week, and I think it went really well (I find out within the next couple days). It was so crazy to talk about all of the things that have touched my life and all of the things that God has redeemed me from. I'm beginning to really see how he was guiding my steps, even though I was blind to the meaning of His word and amazing love and pursual.
[Hellooo beautiful sunrise. I saw this on my way back from Leavenworth this past weekend. I can't even tell you how awesome this drive was, as it lifted so many veils from my eyes, and how monumental and reassuring this sunrise was to see afterwards.]
The Race recommends (and I agreed) to not start any new relationships until the trip, and especially to refrain from getting into relationships on the trip. I, Emily, will be single and focusing on my relationship with the Lord for two more years. Thiiiisss, my friends, is what I will need the most prayers about and will be tested the most (at least from what I can tell now). God has used the past couple weeks to really break some chains that have been in my life for almost four years now. My desire to be with a certain man was clearly holding me back from giving God my whole heart, and the evil one did not want me to let go--he has been trying to get me to ruminate about it and accuse me of soooo many awful awful things from it. I trust my Father's sovereignty, and I know that there is better out there for me. I deeply loved the potential of this man's heart, but not what it was in actuality. It took some huuuuge slaps of reality to bring my head out of the clouds and lift the veil from my eyes regarding the truth about his heart.
Even while typing this a part of me wishes things could have gone differently, and I look back on things that I did that I know pushed away. That I knew would push away. The whole thing is way too complicated (four years worth of complications...eeeeek), but when I decided to give him another chance, I don't think I truly believed it would work from the start. About a month ago, after reading my Bible during a two-hour break between classes, I paused to be in solitude with the Lord. In a small but clear voice, I heard "love --." My response? "Whaaaatttt Lord? Love him? Excuse me, but I don't want to even be thinking about him, because I don't think he's the one for me. I don't want to be thinking like that about a man who isn't my husband, and I'm not sure if I can think about him any other way." But then, I felt an amazing peace about it. And maybe God wanted me to learn how to love him like a friend, like a brother, but maybe He wanted me to love him so that I knew that he could never understand my love or love me in return. Only He knows. Whatever it meant, it's in the past, and now I've been able to focus on my ultimate pursuer--Jesus.
Oookay, time out. Let me just say that if I would have read that a couple months ago, I would have never gotten what it meant to be "in a relationship" with Jesus (and also let me say...that the past three years around this time--homecoming--I was seeking out counseling for stupid things I was doing while intoxicated...talk about transformation). It would have seemed weak to me, and a little too much. But you know what? I'm finding that the more work I do on my heart, and the more time I spend in my bible and in fellowship, it's soooooooo above and beyond any love that I could have ever imagined. Learning how Jesus loved, how He loved His disciples even though they were imperfect and screwed up all the time, and how He prayed for them--it blows my mind. I still haven't comprehended it all, which is what makes this all so great. My faith is growing exponentially each day, and I think that God is just catching up for lost time, as I do the same.
I mean, just take in this prayer:
After saying all these things, Jesus looked up to heaven and said, “Father, the hour has come. Glorify your Son so he can give glory back to you. 2For you have given him authority over everyone. He gives eternal life to each one you have given him. 3And this is the way to have eternal life—to know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, the one you sent to earth. 4I brought glory to you here on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. 5Now, Father, bring me into the glory we shared before the world began.
6“I have revealed you to the ones you gave me from this world. They were always yours. You gave them to me, and they have kept your word. 7Now they know that everything I have is a gift from you, 8for I have passed on to them the message you gave me. They accepted it and know that I came from you, and they believe you sent me.
9“My prayer is not for the world, but for those you have given me, because they belong to you. 10All who are mine belong to you, and you have given them to me, so they bring me glory. 11Now I am departing from the world; they are staying in this world, but I am coming to you. Holy Father, you have given me your name; now protect them by the power of your name so that they will be united just as we are. 12During my time here, I protected them by the power of the name you gave me. I guarded them so that not one was lost, except the one headed for destruction, as the Scriptures foretold.
13“Now I am coming to you. I told them many things while I was with them in this world so they would be filled with my joy. 14I have given them your word. And the world hates them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world. 15I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one. 16They do not belong to this world any more than I do. 17Make them holy by your truth; teach them your word, which is truth. 18Just as you sent me into the world, I am sending them into the world. 19And I give myself as a holy sacrifice for them so they can be made holy by your truth.
20“I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. 21I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me.
22“I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. 23I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me. 24Father, I want these whom you have given me to be with me where I am. Then they can see all the glory you gave me because you loved me even before the world began!
25“O righteous Father, the world doesn’t know you, but I do; and these disciples know you sent me. 26I have revealed you to them, and I will continue to do so. Then your love for me will be in them, and I will be in them.”
How awesome is that?
Anyways, even though I'm called to singleness right now, I still think about who my future husband might be, especially during this whole dating series at Resonate. I know for a fact that he's going to have to be able to lead me to the Lord--other men in my past have no idea where to even lead themselves let alone another soul. I'm looking towards the kingdom, but I still can't help praying for him, wherever he may be. He may not know it now, but I love him already and can't wait to meet him.
<3
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