Humility + Self-Improvement?

I know it's been awhile...so many times I've thought about things to post here but never actually started posting anything. My last post was just so...optimistic and strong. And to be honest? I'm coming out of a hard couple of weeks. My relationship with Christ is being tested. It's just such a different way of living. Pullman is beautiful in the summertime, and you know what that has meant for me in the past? Drinking and smoking. Why? It's gorgeous outside and there's hardly anything else to do!

Needless to say, I've slipped up a lot.

Yes, I, Emily, have a lot of work to do.

That's the thing about this blog and this journey--just because I've realized that Christianity is the truth (and there's absolutely no way I could deny that after my experiences...not just what I wrote in the last post, but SO much else--I need to start writing it down when I realize these things, because there are just blatant ways that God has spoken to me and revealed Himself to me...and I say that in the most "I have a psych degree and I swear I'm not schizo" way I possibly can), doesn't mean I'm even close to being sinless. So what makes this different? I'm forgiven. Each time I sin, I realize how much I needed Jesus in my life, to wipe my slate clean each day. How much I needed Him to die on the cross for my sins so that I would be forgiven and made pure in God's eyes. I've been trying to read the Old Testament, and I can't tell you how grateful I am that we no longer have to sacrifice an animal each time we sin (imagine how PITA fanatics would feel in a world like that). Now, I try my hardest to obey His Word, repent when I feel convicted to (and, by the way, I also need to write something about the difference between my relationship with God now and before...because the guilt I felt before was paralyzing, which is why I would always go back to being "spiritual"...and also I have a problem with authority in general which has always made an intangible god hard to follow), and then try my hardest to truly believe that I'm forgiven (which is a struggle in itself...especially with how I've sinned...because I know that all sin is the same in God's eyes, but come ON don't you think you would want to say sorry 10000 times if you murdered someone than if you used God's name in vain? Not that I murdered anyone, but still).

Anyways, sorry for rambling. I just really felt bad for leaving on such a "Things are perfect now that I've found the Lord" post. Because HELLOOOOOO, I am 100% human, and anyone that knows me knows that I am definitely not perfect. The difference is that I have a role model of how God wants us to live our lives, and I know that He loves me and that I'll never live a sinless life. I'm doing my best though. I've been genuinely repenting, and doing a bible study on habitual sin (which I have a ton of, by the way).

The hardest thing about changing my life around is that there really is so much to change. In addition, I always pray for God to start convicting me of my sin--so I realize it more often and sooner when I'm doing something wrong. I've also been experiencing actual consequences for my actions...something that I'm really not used to. Not to sound like a brat, but sometimes I am. Sometimes I feel extremely entitled to things and people, literally acting like a martyr when I do something unselfish.

It's a very humbling experience to say the least, and I praise the Lord for it. I think the biggest parable that's spoken to me recently (as in, earlier today) has been the "Parable of the Sower," which is mentioned in three of the four gospels in the New Testament.

Here it is in Luke 8:1-15 :

The Parable of the Sower

 ¹ After this, Jesus traveled about from one town and village to another, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom of God. The Twelve were with him, ² and also some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases: Mary (called Magdalene) from whom seven demons had come out; ³ Joanna the wife of Chuza, the manager of Herod’s household; Susanna; and many others. These women were helping to support them out of their own means.  ⁴ While a large crowd was gathering and people were coming to Jesus from town after town, he told this parable: ⁵ “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds ate it up. ⁶ Some fell on rocky ground, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. ⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown.”
   When he said this, he called out, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”
 ⁹ His disciples asked him what this parable meant. ¹⁰ He said, “The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that,
   “‘though seeing, they may not see;
   though hearing, they may not understand.’^[a]
   11 “This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. ¹² Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. ¹³ Those on the rocky ground are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. ¹⁴ The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. ¹⁵ But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.

Here is an amazing explanation from Beth Moore (who, by the way, I am so reluctant to promote...because I once told my mom that she was probably a cult leader. This was before I actually heard her speak...she's an amazing woman of God). It's the first video of a playlist: Law of the Harvest Part 1


Annnnnyway, I'll try to be better about posting in this :).