The Self

The further I get in my study of psychology, the more I dislike the field. I think there is way too much focus on ourselves--self-actualizing, self-esteem, self-help, self self self. Who am I? What does this person, and that person, think of me? Looking inward to feel better, finding your "inner peace" and "nirvana" through meditating on yourself; over-analyzing every single little situation and thinking so much about what YOU did to cause everything in your life and victimizing yourself. Of course I'm like this because this person did that, and my family is like this, blah blah blah.

It's all just so arrogant, that we mean so much and can impact so much. We try to control every situation, to "be all we can be" and fix ourselves to the point of reaching our personal potential. For what? What does that gain in the world? Who really cares if you live some Americanized life of living up to your so-called potential? And what impact does that truly make? In all honesty, fifty years down the line no one is going to care whether you had a white picket fence, ran a marathon, and was able to hand-bake all of your childrens' snacks at their soccer game. No one. And the things your mother said to you to cause you to have anxiety day and night because you gained an extra five pounds? Who. Cares.

Anyways, I'm trying to focus on the verse "Be still and know that I am God." I put it on a post-it on my computer, because I've found that the past week I've been soooo restless and wanting to control everything that's been bothering me. Like, HELLO, everything has and will work out fine. God's in control, NOT me. And also? My job in life is NOT to be trying to fix everything and everyone that comes through it. It's been really humbling. I want to serve, to find joy in exhaustion and be content in heartache, to praise when suffering and have the honor of losing myself to Him. Call it radical--but I think I've focused wayyy too much on myself the past 22 years and I'm making up for lost time. My heart and mind are sick of focusing on my issues and who is doing what to me and who is thinking what about me that it's causing me to do a complete 180. The new self is wayyyy different than the old, and even though I've been so stuck on finding my own identity and developing my own personality the past couple years, it's gotten me nowhere except finding that my identity is in Him. All I want to do is serve, my mission is to love. I'm trying to stop caring about being loved and getting attention, to stop being so ego-centric/self-centered/victimizing myself. There is no substance in those things. My name is Emily, and I am a closet attention-whore. No I do not wear 200 lbs of make-up and shirts that show my mid-drift, nor am I the touchy-feely flirt, but I have my moments. My heart has been the same as those girls, even if it doesn't surface as often as some. I can't wait to be done with all of that.

Updates:

-I caught my first fish today with my elementary school kiddos! I loooooove love love doing Sunday School, and these kids just make my day.

-I finally (semi) finished my Victims' Panel video, which memorializes my friend Tanya. She passed away in a drunk driving accident two years ago and this tells her story from her best friends' perspectives. We show the video to people who get convicted of DUIs, MIPs, Negligent Driving, etc. and her legacy is really making an impact on the Pullman community. So great :).

-Allllsoooo, I applied for the World Race. Please pray for my interview on Wednesday, I'm so excited and cannot wait to go and serve the Lord and do His work in the nations.