the cure for anxiety

Ahh, anxiety. I don't really experience anxiety as much as some people--I'm normally not a worrier--but I think one of the results of me trying to control everything instead of having a "let go and let God" approach to life (see previous post) is a large dose of anxiety. I've found myself up late with racing thoughts about practically everything under the sun. It's a mix of feeling completely undeserving of all the grace I've experienced, and unworthy of all the amazing people and situations I've been placed in, and that little (huge) rebellious and stubborn voice inside that's like "helloooo I still have all these desires and want it all. Now."

It all just causes me to be a mess of a person and not very complacent where I am right now. I start to feel like this:

I think a lot of people can relate to that feeling. We're all a mess. It has nothing to do with the amount of confidence you have or if you're happy or not...when you pause for a sec look deep down, we just live day by day and moment by moment. Everyone questions their confidence and fakes it sometimes, and happiness is so fleeting it's ridiculous.

Especially when your happiness and confidence depends on a person, a lover, your next coffee/cig/joint/booze/ice cream break, the grade on that test, your status, or the things you buy with your paycheck.

It's totally a symptom of putting my faith and worth on ground that's not rooted in Him...and really using Him for my personal gain instead of just loving Him. My life will never feel completely stable if I lose my footing and my grounding in Him. He has big plans for me and that I've promised Him my whole heart while I'm preparing to serve abroad. Ahhhh, when will I learn.

 

And so I'm like...God why do you even put me in leadership positions or in situations where I should speak into others' lives when I can't even discern what You want me to do in my own life? When I don't even put You as my numero uno all the time? I feel like such a hypocrite and sososooo unworthy.

It's amazing grace. That's the only thing I know for sure. He sees potential in me when I don't and uses me for good even when I do things that are bad. I really am trying to say and believe that in a way that doesn't cause me to take advantage of that grace (because deep down that's my first instinct, when I'm being honest). For some reason He saved a wretch like me and meets me where I am even when I try to run away...He's pretty awesome like that.

I had a moment last week where He did that. I had pulled an all-nighter, and went outside for a little coffee break since I was practically going cross-eyed from all the reading I was doing. I was just praying and talking to Him, just about life and whatnot, and I looked around and saw the sun rising, the icicles on our roof dripping, and a tree in our backyard just kickin' it, being a tree. It's the same tree that I've seen blossom with purple flowers in the summer, turn its green leaves into a myriad of oranges and yellows in the fall, and now be bare and covered with white snow in winter. So obedient, just doin' its tree thang. And I start thinking, why can't we be more like that? Things would go so well if we all complied with how our Creator made us to be and were obedient to Him, we would be beautiful and things would make much more sense. Yet we insist that our way is the right way, and try to control things because in this moment, that's what looks best to us from our short-sighted vision. We worry about the next season in life, or the next day, when we don't have to if we just had faith that He was in control and knows what's good and what we need.

I must've been a worrisome kid, because my favorite verse was always Matthew 6:34 when growing up. It's one of those verses that always sunk in and that I would remember when I would get stressed out (which, even though I was under 12, definitely happened). It's kind of funny, because I looked it up after that moment, and in the New American Standard Version of the bible, Matthew 6:25-34 is under the header "The Cure for Anxiety" and was exactly what that moment was. 

The Cure for Anxiety
“For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."


God knows what I need, and He gives it to me as I need it. He knows I need relationships, and gives me the people in my life that I need at the moment who love me and will encourage me to grow and blossom into the person He's created me to be. I'm praying to help my unbelief constantly, to trust in His process, because He's the designer of the process and way smarter than me in the whole life thing.

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:6-7)

It's just truth. God is timeless and faithful and patient and seeks me when I'm feeling and acting like Pig Pen. I'm telling you, He's cool like that.

purge and restart.

Once again, I've started to find myself falling in the trap of becoming a religious -----. I hate being that person so much that I need to purge it out of my brain and on the web...it's very cathartic let me tell you lol.

Soo...here goes.

I've lost a little of myself the past couple months. I think being in a new situation in Pullman with fresh new friends is causing me to slip into the "oooh, fresh start, new friends, I can be someone new now" mindset and it's really messing with my head because sometimes I'm absolutely not genuine and say the right thing instead of what I truly believe deep down. Which they don't even want. NO ONE wants that. I'm usually not one to pull the fake card but my "I'll tell you the answer and you recite it back to me" history with religion sometimes rears its ugly head with church people. I know what to say, and sometimes that makes me wish I was starting without all this head knowledge.

E.g., yes, I know in my weakness He is made strong, and that we are to be putting on our "new selves"...

but goodness gracious, I am not going to be one of those next-day "success" stories. Whatever that means.

My old self is not something that I can just "take off" like my shoes.

It's me. It's who God's created me to be.

And I have NO idea what parts are going to be old and what parts are new. He does. It's really no different in my mind from what I was already doing when I was growing up and maturing, I just kind of realigned myself with my Creator and have a general idea of the way He's instructed us to live (which, if you can't tell...I'm impatient...and sometimes can't understand why I can't just get there already...or work harder at going there on my own...but it's not really a place you can get to without time unless miracles happen).

Yes, I'm becoming a little bit different. Slow slow sloooowwwllyyy.

People take time to cultivate, and as long as I'm looking back to Him at the end of the day I know I'm going to be okay. He's not going to put me in any situation that will deter the refining of my heart, no matter what that means. And all of the situations of our lives and choices we make are individual and personal and necessary. If that makes sense. Yes, some choices are "wrong." But no matter what He uses it all for good, and doesn't love us any more or less because of them.

So shame on me for trying to stifle it and trying to fit myself into some box and trying to be the "perfect Christian." For trying to catch up to people who are further ahead of me and for trying to pick others up and catch them up to where I am on my path.

BLECK. The "perfect Christian" doesn't exist (there was just one of those and his name is J-E-S-U-S), and that's why I stopped following Him in the first place, because I was feeling guilty and obligated. That is not what it's about.

I'm His work in progress, not my work in progress, and certainly not your work in progress. (who "your" is ... I have no clue. It's in my head and needed to be word vomited out.)

I love my friends. I'm sorry if I've given off any impression that any of you were my works in progress, because eeeeek, that's not something I can handle (and I don't mean that to sound judgmental haha it's just the truth). Thanks for reminding me who I truly am this break. I think I forgot a little bit.

I still don't know all the answers. I'm searching, I'm failing, I succeed sometimes but that's mainly by grace. Not because of anything I'm doing. And that's life. If I pretend any differently, I know you'll all let me know. That's why you're my friends. You all aren't afraid to pull the stick out of my ass, and words can't express how much I appreciate it.

Happy New Year!

Just because I'm saved (part 2)

means that this past finals week was the most amazing finals week of my life.

I started dead week (the week before finals week) and finals week praying that if I made it through this week, it would all be because of Jesus...nothing of my own. I was beat, and tired, and suuuuper unmotivated because, to be honest, my classes were super boring this semester. Normally I can muster up some motivation if there's something interesting to talk about or study, but nooope. There's nothing particularly interesting to me about the History of Psychology and Experimental Methods. Especially considering I wouldn't be using either of those things next year.

So hence the reliance on Jesus, because I could have cared less what I got in those classes, as long as I passed (which was the main thing I was really praying for...a C or better...).

I got A's on all of my finals, including a 100% on my History of Psych final (I got a D on the first exam, so it definitely wasn't me). My papers and presentations included.

Everything I studied just...stuck. That's the best way I can describe it. I felt more confident in my knowledge than ever before, and was remembering things even as I was taking the exams.

Even when my housemate's puppy got sick on chocolate I was able to help take care of her and study.

Oh yeah...and even when I accidentally missed my Experimental Methods final, my teacher let me retake it the following day at 1:30 pm.

In addition, normally finals week bring out one of my worst habits...I stop exercising and stress eat like it's nobody's business. There was none of that. Not even a desire. And I was at the gym even after all-nighters.

Can I get a praise God hallelujah?

just because i'm saved

Just because I'm saved doesn't mean finals week doesn't suck.

Wouldn't it be cool if Jesus could just come down and write my papers and take these tests? I think so...

It'd be nice if I could just flash forward a couple months...or even just get a little bite of that sovereignty God has and see what's going to happen...not so much with finals things, but just life in general.

Needless to say I'm working on comfort and contentedness and trusting and not being lazy...maybe when I reach the kingdom I'll have boundless energy and motivation.

My friend Quynn and I had a convo about what our rooms would look like in heaven, and I'd never thought about that. It's kind of cool to know that Jesus is up there preparing a room for me. Like has he been preparing it since I was born? Did he stop when I stopped believing? Or did he just start up last year when I believed on my own? Juuust a random thought.

Anyways, I genuinely dislike school and these classes. That's all.
OH. And guess what? I'm getting baptized this Sunday :)

speak.

One of the biggest things that I keep worrying about is that I'm saying something wrong or that I'm not going to make any impact.

God is telling me not to worry...  "ohh you of little faith, don't you know that I can move mountains? If someone's heart is going to be changed it's not because of you...ever...it's because of ME"

...something along those lines.

So after a couple of weeks of listening, I'm going to just speak. Not worry what comes out, and who takes something the wrong way or thinks about me differently because of it. I mean...this page is on my facebook. But HELLO. IT'S ME WRITING.

Anyways.

I feel like I'm in between two worlds right now. I've heard many different opinions about this, about who I should be relating myself to more...the Christians that I've become friends with, or the people that I've known the majority of my "adult" life. I think my dad gave me the best advice last dad's weekend: "honestly, Emily, if you're getting judged by both worlds: God has you in just the right place."

Which is kind of a hard thing to hear, considering if you would have asked me last year, I would have boldly said that you could ask anyone about me, and no one would say a bad thing about me (minus a small handful of boys). That is way too safe and boring for me, even with the wild lifestyle, but that's what I'm comfortable being: the sweet girl who surprises you and does crazy wild things. This would be totally cool if I wasn't totally sinning against my Creator...as in I was the woman they warn nice Christian men about in Proverbs who leads you to her house of death (I'm really only half joking about this). Not okay.

But whatever, enough about last year.

My point is that I've always thought about myself as a generally relatable person, and now my lifestyle is not something people can easily relate to. I need to explain myself more than ever. Mainly to non-Christians, but also to Christians, because I still go to bars and tailgates and dance to rap songs with boys. The Christians I've explained these things to, however, are reasonably understanding and mainly just making sure that I'm being safe (from what I can see at least). Very sweet, and I appreciate it completely. And my non-Christian friends, while some of them are coming out to be more judgmental than my Christian ones (and who knows if this is just me judging their judgmentalism...I hate judgment and I'm working on it. SORRY), they just want to make sure I'm not trying to push my faith on them or preach to them. Which is fine, and I am learning the boundary, but it is so hard sometimes not to talk about my faith. It's something about me! And not only that, it's real...not just a religion or philosophy or way-of-life to subscribe to, but a relationship with your Creator and the God of all gods. I love my friends from the bottom of my heart and want them to know the power that the Holy Spirit brings, so finding that line between being relatable and sharing this reality is really difficult. Because no one wants to lose friends either, especially people who have been in my life for what seems like forever.

I totally understand their hesitation too, because no one wants to realize that they're a soul you're trying to save...and like I said before...I can't even save souls. It's not under my control...thank God. In order for the Gospel to be meaningful it can't be spoken, it needs to be shown. No longer is it just a message that I need to spread, but a way that I need to live my life.

Aka. I need to actually do what I'm saying is so great and living with Jesus as my example, and being okay with not being able to live like that at the same time, and trusting that the believers that are in my life are my brothers and sisters and here to help me and not judge me (so I don't have to try to impress them...or shock them).

I need to stop caring about myself and start caring enough about others to truly get to know them and love them, and to stand firm in faith and confidence that Jesus' love is all that I need.

The good thing about all of this is that God put me in this in-between world because we're in an in-between time, and He knows this. Right now, we have a taste of the kingdom, since Jesus won the battle between sin, death, and the devil, but we're still in a world that has sin in it and controlling it. We have moments where we experience a glimpse of the kingdom, where there's love and grace and compassion, but ALL of us are still controlled by the sinful nature that we were cursed with from birth. Jesus says that this sinful nature includes things like "evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness" (Mark 7:21-22). These are things that we personally can't change. When we are filled with the Spirit (when we believe in Jesus' death and resurrection as a perfect sacrifice in payment for these things), He works in us to eliminate them. The bible uses the metaphor of a vine and branches, with Jesus pruning things that are bad and nurturing fruit that is good.

Our growth takes time. No one is completely healed overnight, but we live each day knowing that one day we will be free from it all and that while our flesh may bring these impurities, our souls are white as snow because in Christ there is no condemnation. God looks at us and sees Him. Which is just fantastic when you think about it because I'm not that great of a person. I'm no better than anyone else, but God gave me the gift of the knowledge about this before we move into the age where it's only the kingdom (no sin). He's given me the Holy Spirit, and in turn I give myself to Him as His hands and feet to do whatever work needs to be done.

I'm a servant, and it's all about Him. I'm a weird servant, and wild, and stubborn, and a little mouthy, and I like to dance and sing and write and listen and drink sometimes and I really really like people. I like people who don't like me the most actually. Not in a sadistic way, but because I've realized I can never lose my dignity. It's like, total freedom. No rules, no games, no "you did this to me and that was too far so see you never while I pick up what's left of my heart and bitch about it to anyone who will listen." Instead, it's more like "just try me. See what you can do and I'll still forgive you and I know my heart is protected by legions of angels. You can't get me to ever stop loving you." I'm safe no matter who I'm talking to or where I am.

Knowing the love of God is dangerous to a girl who doesn't know much about being scared because once you know that love, you know it's unstoppable. Infinite. Overflowing. Unconditional.

Missionary Positions: Doing it by doing nothing.

Oookay, I know I said I'd stop talking for a sec, but I think this is just the best way to describe what's been going on, in a couple of quotes from someone not me. That counts as listening right? Talking about listening? I've gotten pretty good at that recently...

Missionary Positions: Doing it by doing nothing.

We’ve each, to some degree, developed the socially acceptable self (the one that talks about the weather and how work is going and how the kids are doing) and hidden the real self (the one that says gray days make them sad and work is fleeting compared to your passion and the kids are slipping away because you’re never there).

Strutting our socially acceptable selves seems especially common among believers, where we feel the pressure to make disciples of all nations, and teach them the ways, and have the joy, joy, joy, joy down in our hearts.

But you know what I discovered?

In my effort to make disciples of my nonbelieving friends, I identified them as nonbelieving rather than simply my friend.

In my effort to teach them the ways, I told them the ways and disagreed with theirs.

In my effort to have that joy, joy, joy in my heart, I hidden the sad, sad, sadness that sometimes creeps in.

I was douchey. And completely unrelatable. (‘Cause, really. Who wants
to relate to a douche?)

So on my calendar, and in my heart, I’ve decreed a do-nothing day
mentality all day every day. Because when I see my friends as separate from their beliefs, they feel accepted. When I stop trying to convince people of my beliefs, they feel at ease. (Quite contrary to my get-paid-to-do-this mission of apologetics, by the way.) And when I share my sufferings with others, they feel safe to do the same.

In other words, my mission is to do nothing. Just be.

Amen sista.

loggin

Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, 'Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,' when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.



God's called me to do some listening and work on my logs, so it might be awhile before I post again.