Missionary Positions: Doing it by doing nothing.

Oookay, I know I said I'd stop talking for a sec, but I think this is just the best way to describe what's been going on, in a couple of quotes from someone not me. That counts as listening right? Talking about listening? I've gotten pretty good at that recently...

Missionary Positions: Doing it by doing nothing.

We’ve each, to some degree, developed the socially acceptable self (the one that talks about the weather and how work is going and how the kids are doing) and hidden the real self (the one that says gray days make them sad and work is fleeting compared to your passion and the kids are slipping away because you’re never there).

Strutting our socially acceptable selves seems especially common among believers, where we feel the pressure to make disciples of all nations, and teach them the ways, and have the joy, joy, joy, joy down in our hearts.

But you know what I discovered?

In my effort to make disciples of my nonbelieving friends, I identified them as nonbelieving rather than simply my friend.

In my effort to teach them the ways, I told them the ways and disagreed with theirs.

In my effort to have that joy, joy, joy in my heart, I hidden the sad, sad, sadness that sometimes creeps in.

I was douchey. And completely unrelatable. (‘Cause, really. Who wants
to relate to a douche?)

So on my calendar, and in my heart, I’ve decreed a do-nothing day
mentality all day every day. Because when I see my friends as separate from their beliefs, they feel accepted. When I stop trying to convince people of my beliefs, they feel at ease. (Quite contrary to my get-paid-to-do-this mission of apologetics, by the way.) And when I share my sufferings with others, they feel safe to do the same.

In other words, my mission is to do nothing. Just be.

Amen sista.

loggin

Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, 'Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,' when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.



God's called me to do some listening and work on my logs, so it might be awhile before I post again.

blast from the past...

Okay, I know I should be doing homework right now...but I just wanted to share some old journal entries of mine that just blow my mind.

Sometime in late September, 2010

"I know it's been awhile since we really talked, but please believe my small prayers that I've thought--that I can't do all this without you. Life is so wonderful, but I'm being challenged and I really need your help & guidance. [lots left out, sorrryyyyy ;)] Please help me to recognize and acknowledge your presence in my life, and that my personality and self doesn't have to be sacrificed when I let you in. Please give me peace, clarity, and strength. Let me live my life favorably to you, so I can find my path and travel it with confidence and passion. I need you, MY God, my mentor, and the one and only being that can bring me out of all of this. If there is a higher power out there (which I know there is, my species is not the biggest thing out here), please show me how to follow you, because I only know a way that brings the world oppression, restriction, guilt, and corruption. Amen."

Haha...I couldn't help but put this one in first. It was the bookends of one of my first prayers. I really didn't want to believe that God or Christianity was real...because it was starting to be way too obvious, and it would get even more obvious.

Flash forward through many months of sad, sad entries...

April 2011

"Dear Jesus, thank you for bringing me so close to you the past two weeks. Your Light in my heart is overflowing, and just reading my letters to you (they weren't really addressed to You, but I know You heard) brings me so much joy because in my sin and doubt You made Your glory shine that much sweeter. Thank You for making my heart pure through Your death and defeat over the devil--through You all things are possible. I am sorry for all that I've been idolizing the past couple years [...] you know, the works. Please reveal to me any other things that I am idolizing, and give me the strength to change."

Uh oh...started praying to be convicted of things. Haha...this is when the 4-day hangover happened too. This is one of the things I wrote during that time:

May 2011

"There is a time to heal (Ephesians 3:3)
From your head to your toes there isn't a healthy spot. Bruises, cuts, and open sores go without care or oil to heal the pain (Isaiah 1:6)
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3)

Lord, I know I'm a piece of work, and that there are so many wounds I'm asking you to heal at this time. Please, I ask you to reach inside my heart and lift me up and transform me. My life is Yours to have--use me according to Your will. I am nothing without Your saving grace. I PRAISE Your for everything You have done thus far, for not giving up on me, for being a persistent father and showing me Your abounding love. Amen"

June 2011

"In other thoughts--
I want to GO somewhere. I am so bummed about not going to South Africa. I think I might go crazy not leaving Pullman this summer..."What do you think you're passionate about"...I                       whoa...spaced out moment. Anyways, I really want to be helping people in other countries. But I feel bad (ironicVVV)
Find your passion. Make your difference. [magazine clipping on the next page lol]
not helping the people in my own country, or even community, first. But these people have so much, I have so much...and its hard to find anyone truly happy. Why is everyone so sad here? I get sad here--planning and thinking up ways to get out keep me sane, yet once again I'm here!! I really do love the summer here, but I'm getting to the point where I want to spread my wings--suck the marrow of life, if you will. I want to meet people outside of my comfort zone, get out and actually make a difference in their lives and have them do the same for me in return. I want to seek the wisdom of the world, through the compassion and love that I now feel.

You know that feeling in your gut that sends chills? Or is that the couple sips of wine?

Sometimes, I feel more lost than ever. But most of the time, it just feels right."


Hahah, I don't think God let any part of my personality be lost in this process...He just cleaned up some of my junk and put love in its place. He's bound up my deep deep wounds and broken heart, and given me clarity and strength. He's letting me go, and I get to spread my wings and see the world through His eyes.

PTL

I'm racing I'm racing I'm racinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

I GOT IN <3

PRAISE THE LORD

ahhhhh and to think--just last year at this time I was going in to the WSU counselors to get counseling for partying too much---

now God has chosen me as an ambassador for the NATIONS.

the nations.

goodness gracious, redemption is beautiful.

the next two years are going to be insaneeeee. <3

clothed with dignity and strength

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand.

Oooooh my goodness, have I been tested this past week. First off, I'm still praying to not to be so anxious about the World Race--my interview was last week, and I think it went really well (I find out within the next couple days). It was so crazy to talk about all of the things that have touched my life and all of the things that God has redeemed me from. I'm beginning to really see how he was guiding my steps, even though I was blind to the meaning of His word and amazing love and pursual.

[Hellooo beautiful sunrise. I saw this on my way back from Leavenworth this past weekend. I can't even tell you how awesome this drive was, as it lifted so many veils from my eyes, and how monumental and reassuring this sunrise was to see afterwards.]

The Race recommends (and I agreed) to not start any new relationships until the trip, and especially to refrain from getting into relationships on the trip. I, Emily, will be single and focusing on my relationship with the Lord for two more years. Thiiiisss, my friends, is what I will need the most prayers about and will be tested the most (at least from what I can tell now). God has used the past couple weeks to really break some chains that have been in my life for almost four years now. My desire to be with a certain man was clearly holding me back from giving God my whole heart, and the evil one did not want me to let go--he has been trying to get me to ruminate about it and accuse me of soooo many awful awful things from it. I trust my Father's sovereignty, and I know that there is better out there for me. I deeply loved the potential of this man's heart, but not what it was in actuality. It took some huuuuge slaps of reality to bring my head out of the clouds and lift the veil from my eyes regarding the truth about his heart.

Even while typing this a part of me wishes things could have gone differently, and I look back on things that I did that I know pushed away. That I knew would push away. The whole thing is way too complicated (four years worth of complications...eeeeek), but when I decided to give him another chance, I don't think I truly believed it would work from the start. About a month ago, after reading my Bible during a two-hour break between classes, I paused to be in solitude with the Lord. In a small but clear voice, I heard "love --." My response? "Whaaaatttt Lord? Love him? Excuse me, but I don't want to even be thinking about him, because I don't think he's the one for me. I don't want to be thinking like that about a man who isn't my husband, and I'm not sure if I can think about him any other way." But then, I felt an amazing peace about it. And maybe God wanted me to learn how to love him like a friend, like a brother, but maybe He wanted me to love him so that I knew that he could never understand my love or love me in return. Only He knows. Whatever it meant, it's in the past, and now I've been able to focus on my ultimate pursuer--Jesus.

Oookay, time out. Let me just say that if I would have read that a couple months ago, I would have never gotten what it meant to be "in a relationship" with Jesus (and also let me say...that the past three years around this time--homecoming--I was seeking out counseling for stupid things I was doing while intoxicated...talk about transformation). It would have seemed weak to me, and a little too much. But you know what? I'm finding that the more work I do on my heart, and the more time I spend in my bible and in fellowship, it's soooooooo above and beyond any love that I could have ever imagined. Learning how Jesus loved, how He loved His disciples even though they were imperfect and screwed up all the time, and how He prayed for them--it blows my mind. I still haven't comprehended it all, which is what makes this all so great. My faith is growing exponentially each day, and I think that God is just catching up for lost time, as I do the same.

I mean, just take in this prayer:

After saying all these things, Jesus looked up to heaven and said, “Father, the hour has come. Glorify your Son so he can give glory back to you. 2For you have given him authority over everyone. He gives eternal life to each one you have given him. 3And this is the way to have eternal life—to know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, the one you sent to earth. 4I brought glory to you here on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. 5Now, Father, bring me into the glory we shared before the world began.

6“I have revealed you to the ones you gave me from this world. They were always yours. You gave them to me, and they have kept your word. 7Now they know that everything I have is a gift from you, 8for I have passed on to them the message you gave me. They accepted it and know that I came from you, and they believe you sent me.

9“My prayer is not for the world, but for those you have given me, because they belong to you. 10All who are mine belong to you, and you have given them to me, so they bring me glory. 11Now I am departing from the world; they are staying in this world, but I am coming to you. Holy Father, you have given me your name; now protect them by the power of your name so that they will be united just as we are. 12During my time here, I protected them by the power of the name you gave me. I guarded them so that not one was lost, except the one headed for destruction, as the Scriptures foretold.

13“Now I am coming to you. I told them many things while I was with them in this world so they would be filled with my joy. 14I have given them your word. And the world hates them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world. 15I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one. 16They do not belong to this world any more than I do. 17Make them holy by your truth; teach them your word, which is truth. 18Just as you sent me into the world, I am sending them into the world. 19And I give myself as a holy sacrifice for them so they can be made holy by your truth.

20“I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. 21I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me.

22“I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. 23I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me. 24Father, I want these whom you have given me to be with me where I am. Then they can see all the glory you gave me because you loved me even before the world began!

25“O righteous Father, the world doesn’t know you, but I do; and these disciples know you sent me. 26I have revealed you to them, and I will continue to do so. Then your love for me will be in them, and I will be in them.”

How awesome is that?

Anyways, even though I'm called to singleness right now, I still think about who my future husband might be, especially during this whole dating series at Resonate. I know for a fact that he's going to have to be able to lead me to the Lord--other men in my past have no idea where to even lead themselves let alone another soul. I'm looking towards the kingdom, but I still can't help praying for him, wherever he may be. He may not know it now, but I love him already and can't wait to meet him.

<3

The Self

The further I get in my study of psychology, the more I dislike the field. I think there is way too much focus on ourselves--self-actualizing, self-esteem, self-help, self self self. Who am I? What does this person, and that person, think of me? Looking inward to feel better, finding your "inner peace" and "nirvana" through meditating on yourself; over-analyzing every single little situation and thinking so much about what YOU did to cause everything in your life and victimizing yourself. Of course I'm like this because this person did that, and my family is like this, blah blah blah.

It's all just so arrogant, that we mean so much and can impact so much. We try to control every situation, to "be all we can be" and fix ourselves to the point of reaching our personal potential. For what? What does that gain in the world? Who really cares if you live some Americanized life of living up to your so-called potential? And what impact does that truly make? In all honesty, fifty years down the line no one is going to care whether you had a white picket fence, ran a marathon, and was able to hand-bake all of your childrens' snacks at their soccer game. No one. And the things your mother said to you to cause you to have anxiety day and night because you gained an extra five pounds? Who. Cares.

Anyways, I'm trying to focus on the verse "Be still and know that I am God." I put it on a post-it on my computer, because I've found that the past week I've been soooo restless and wanting to control everything that's been bothering me. Like, HELLO, everything has and will work out fine. God's in control, NOT me. And also? My job in life is NOT to be trying to fix everything and everyone that comes through it. It's been really humbling. I want to serve, to find joy in exhaustion and be content in heartache, to praise when suffering and have the honor of losing myself to Him. Call it radical--but I think I've focused wayyy too much on myself the past 22 years and I'm making up for lost time. My heart and mind are sick of focusing on my issues and who is doing what to me and who is thinking what about me that it's causing me to do a complete 180. The new self is wayyyy different than the old, and even though I've been so stuck on finding my own identity and developing my own personality the past couple years, it's gotten me nowhere except finding that my identity is in Him. All I want to do is serve, my mission is to love. I'm trying to stop caring about being loved and getting attention, to stop being so ego-centric/self-centered/victimizing myself. There is no substance in those things. My name is Emily, and I am a closet attention-whore. No I do not wear 200 lbs of make-up and shirts that show my mid-drift, nor am I the touchy-feely flirt, but I have my moments. My heart has been the same as those girls, even if it doesn't surface as often as some. I can't wait to be done with all of that.

Updates:

-I caught my first fish today with my elementary school kiddos! I loooooove love love doing Sunday School, and these kids just make my day.

-I finally (semi) finished my Victims' Panel video, which memorializes my friend Tanya. She passed away in a drunk driving accident two years ago and this tells her story from her best friends' perspectives. We show the video to people who get convicted of DUIs, MIPs, Negligent Driving, etc. and her legacy is really making an impact on the Pullman community. So great :).

-Allllsoooo, I applied for the World Race. Please pray for my interview on Wednesday, I'm so excited and cannot wait to go and serve the Lord and do His work in the nations.

Thy Kingdom Come

One of my greatest weaknesses is patience, and I think that this is a major lesson the Lord has been teaching me the past couple of years. Not the type of patience that involves waiting for a meal at a restaurant or sitting for an extra thirty seconds at a stoplight. If the average person were to look at me in those types of situations, they could possibly think that I was the epitome of the virtue. What a silly façade. There is so much of me that just wants everything now. I am in a get-everything-quick age, born on the East Coast of one of the highest-speed nations on the planet. I have been medically diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (who hasn’t these days). I’ve taken SO many matters into my own hands because I’ve wanted something, and I’ve wanted it now. Just thinking about some of the most precious moments that I’ve hastened the process of brings tears to my eyes and deeply hurts my heart. The lies I’ve told to assure myself of obtaining these things, plotting and tricking others to give me what I “need.” It sickens me. But God has shown me the greatest amount of patience, through His continual pursuit of me and unconditional love.

It’s taken me awhile to post in this site again. First off, I don’t know how often I’ll post here, mainly because I have a community of believers now to talk with about my personal issues (and also a personal journal for that), and I don’t think it's appropriate for this to become a candid and public confessional. I’m open, but not that open. I can’t tell you the anxiety I felt when my parents found this site…and the amount of editing that immediately ensued. As time has passed, I've realized how much of a blessing it was to confess all of this to them, albeit in a bizarre and indirect way. I think the honesty was able to show the glory of God and how much darkness He was (and still is) able to save me from.

Second, I have always had a life pursuit of wisdom (hence the psychology and humanities), and even as a non-believer I related to Ecclesiastes 7:23 when it said “All this I have tested by wisdom. I said, ‘I will be wise,’ but it was far from me.” My first pursuit as a believer was to figure out what biblical wisdom was and how to obtain it. This is what stuck out to me the most:

                Fear of the LORD is the foundation of wisdom. Knowledge of the Holy One results in good judgment. (Proverbs 9:10)

However:

                The woman named Folly is brash. She is ignorant and doesn’t know it. She sits in her doorway on the heights overlooking the city. She calls out to men going by who are minding their own business. “Come in with me,” she urges the simple. To those who lack good judgment, she says, “Stolen water is refreshing; food eaten in secret tastes the best!” But little do they know that the dead are there. Her guests are in the depths of the grave. (Proverbs 9:13-18)

How many times have I been this woman? Too often to count, that’s for sure. This is why I have kept quiet. My brashness has gotten me in a host of trouble and the last thing I would want is for the wisdom of my flesh to haphazardly spill on this page.

Anyways, my spirit is restless. I pray daily for contentedness, because the Lord has put me in this town to shine His light where there is darkness. So many people need Him out here, and I am honored to be given this opportunity. Yet there is such a huge desire in me to go other places. I am deeply saddened by the amount of entitlement here, the abuse of blessings and the gross objectification of humans. I am learning to forgive and not take things personally anymore, but it’s a daily struggle. A large part of me wishes I could have been born ugly to this world, that I could have been born dumb, that I could have been born in the poorest of villages in the poorest of nations. It’s so difficult to love this world, it blows my mind that He’s able to, but that’s what I’m called to do. Thy kingdom come Father, please. I’d much rather strip down everything that I have than live in this city of excess, brains, and beauty. I don’t care anymore about the knowledge from my classroom. There is so much more out there, so much more to do. I am wasting away trying to selfishly gain knowledge—and for what? Who cares if I can prove an alternate hypothesis, or tell you the impact Fechner had on psychology?

So I’m learning to trust, to be patient. Trust my Father, that He has put me in this place and time for a reason and that all of this knowledge will be used for His kingdom in some way, shape or form. I’ve been really clearing out my heart of the baggage that has built up over the years—His redemption is real, and I know that I’ll be better equipped after all of this to serve Him. His Spirit has freed me from so much, and like I said before, I’m a piece of work. To Him be the glory.

                ¹⁶But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. ¹⁷For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. ¹⁸But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. ¹⁹Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, ²⁰idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, ²¹envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. ²²But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. ²⁴And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.

                                                                                                                      (Galatians 5: 16-25)

Prayer requests:

God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Ephesians 2:8-10)

Please pray that I stay strong and listen to the Spirit, so that I can do these good works. God has some huge plans for me—please pray my flesh does not get in the way of them. There is so much that tempts me in Pullman, and outside of Pullman, that causes me to take my eyes off the Lord and His plans for me. He is setting me free from sins of my past that keep resurfacing in other forms. It is a daily battle but one I know He can conquer (The light shines in the darkness and the darkness does not overcome it John 1:5).

Also, the World Race has been on my heart. I now have a heart for missions, and need prayers if this is the right path for me to go on, and the patience and perseverance to focus on the task at hand (serving the people of Pullman, serving those with substance abuse issues, serving Greeks, oh yeah, and graduating). http://www.theworldrace.org/

Finally, pray for peace in the world, specifically in Jos, Nigeria where Jeanine is serving as a high school guidance counselor—an Islamic group is massacring the Christians there and the city needs as many prayers as possible.

<3