Just because I'm saved (part 2)

means that this past finals week was the most amazing finals week of my life.

I started dead week (the week before finals week) and finals week praying that if I made it through this week, it would all be because of Jesus...nothing of my own. I was beat, and tired, and suuuuper unmotivated because, to be honest, my classes were super boring this semester. Normally I can muster up some motivation if there's something interesting to talk about or study, but nooope. There's nothing particularly interesting to me about the History of Psychology and Experimental Methods. Especially considering I wouldn't be using either of those things next year.

So hence the reliance on Jesus, because I could have cared less what I got in those classes, as long as I passed (which was the main thing I was really praying for...a C or better...).

I got A's on all of my finals, including a 100% on my History of Psych final (I got a D on the first exam, so it definitely wasn't me). My papers and presentations included.

Everything I studied just...stuck. That's the best way I can describe it. I felt more confident in my knowledge than ever before, and was remembering things even as I was taking the exams.

Even when my housemate's puppy got sick on chocolate I was able to help take care of her and study.

Oh yeah...and even when I accidentally missed my Experimental Methods final, my teacher let me retake it the following day at 1:30 pm.

In addition, normally finals week bring out one of my worst habits...I stop exercising and stress eat like it's nobody's business. There was none of that. Not even a desire. And I was at the gym even after all-nighters.

Can I get a praise God hallelujah?

just because i'm saved

Just because I'm saved doesn't mean finals week doesn't suck.

Wouldn't it be cool if Jesus could just come down and write my papers and take these tests? I think so...

It'd be nice if I could just flash forward a couple months...or even just get a little bite of that sovereignty God has and see what's going to happen...not so much with finals things, but just life in general.

Needless to say I'm working on comfort and contentedness and trusting and not being lazy...maybe when I reach the kingdom I'll have boundless energy and motivation.

My friend Quynn and I had a convo about what our rooms would look like in heaven, and I'd never thought about that. It's kind of cool to know that Jesus is up there preparing a room for me. Like has he been preparing it since I was born? Did he stop when I stopped believing? Or did he just start up last year when I believed on my own? Juuust a random thought.

Anyways, I genuinely dislike school and these classes. That's all.
OH. And guess what? I'm getting baptized this Sunday :)

speak.

One of the biggest things that I keep worrying about is that I'm saying something wrong or that I'm not going to make any impact.

God is telling me not to worry...  "ohh you of little faith, don't you know that I can move mountains? If someone's heart is going to be changed it's not because of you...ever...it's because of ME"

...something along those lines.

So after a couple of weeks of listening, I'm going to just speak. Not worry what comes out, and who takes something the wrong way or thinks about me differently because of it. I mean...this page is on my facebook. But HELLO. IT'S ME WRITING.

Anyways.

I feel like I'm in between two worlds right now. I've heard many different opinions about this, about who I should be relating myself to more...the Christians that I've become friends with, or the people that I've known the majority of my "adult" life. I think my dad gave me the best advice last dad's weekend: "honestly, Emily, if you're getting judged by both worlds: God has you in just the right place."

Which is kind of a hard thing to hear, considering if you would have asked me last year, I would have boldly said that you could ask anyone about me, and no one would say a bad thing about me (minus a small handful of boys). That is way too safe and boring for me, even with the wild lifestyle, but that's what I'm comfortable being: the sweet girl who surprises you and does crazy wild things. This would be totally cool if I wasn't totally sinning against my Creator...as in I was the woman they warn nice Christian men about in Proverbs who leads you to her house of death (I'm really only half joking about this). Not okay.

But whatever, enough about last year.

My point is that I've always thought about myself as a generally relatable person, and now my lifestyle is not something people can easily relate to. I need to explain myself more than ever. Mainly to non-Christians, but also to Christians, because I still go to bars and tailgates and dance to rap songs with boys. The Christians I've explained these things to, however, are reasonably understanding and mainly just making sure that I'm being safe (from what I can see at least). Very sweet, and I appreciate it completely. And my non-Christian friends, while some of them are coming out to be more judgmental than my Christian ones (and who knows if this is just me judging their judgmentalism...I hate judgment and I'm working on it. SORRY), they just want to make sure I'm not trying to push my faith on them or preach to them. Which is fine, and I am learning the boundary, but it is so hard sometimes not to talk about my faith. It's something about me! And not only that, it's real...not just a religion or philosophy or way-of-life to subscribe to, but a relationship with your Creator and the God of all gods. I love my friends from the bottom of my heart and want them to know the power that the Holy Spirit brings, so finding that line between being relatable and sharing this reality is really difficult. Because no one wants to lose friends either, especially people who have been in my life for what seems like forever.

I totally understand their hesitation too, because no one wants to realize that they're a soul you're trying to save...and like I said before...I can't even save souls. It's not under my control...thank God. In order for the Gospel to be meaningful it can't be spoken, it needs to be shown. No longer is it just a message that I need to spread, but a way that I need to live my life.

Aka. I need to actually do what I'm saying is so great and living with Jesus as my example, and being okay with not being able to live like that at the same time, and trusting that the believers that are in my life are my brothers and sisters and here to help me and not judge me (so I don't have to try to impress them...or shock them).

I need to stop caring about myself and start caring enough about others to truly get to know them and love them, and to stand firm in faith and confidence that Jesus' love is all that I need.

The good thing about all of this is that God put me in this in-between world because we're in an in-between time, and He knows this. Right now, we have a taste of the kingdom, since Jesus won the battle between sin, death, and the devil, but we're still in a world that has sin in it and controlling it. We have moments where we experience a glimpse of the kingdom, where there's love and grace and compassion, but ALL of us are still controlled by the sinful nature that we were cursed with from birth. Jesus says that this sinful nature includes things like "evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness" (Mark 7:21-22). These are things that we personally can't change. When we are filled with the Spirit (when we believe in Jesus' death and resurrection as a perfect sacrifice in payment for these things), He works in us to eliminate them. The bible uses the metaphor of a vine and branches, with Jesus pruning things that are bad and nurturing fruit that is good.

Our growth takes time. No one is completely healed overnight, but we live each day knowing that one day we will be free from it all and that while our flesh may bring these impurities, our souls are white as snow because in Christ there is no condemnation. God looks at us and sees Him. Which is just fantastic when you think about it because I'm not that great of a person. I'm no better than anyone else, but God gave me the gift of the knowledge about this before we move into the age where it's only the kingdom (no sin). He's given me the Holy Spirit, and in turn I give myself to Him as His hands and feet to do whatever work needs to be done.

I'm a servant, and it's all about Him. I'm a weird servant, and wild, and stubborn, and a little mouthy, and I like to dance and sing and write and listen and drink sometimes and I really really like people. I like people who don't like me the most actually. Not in a sadistic way, but because I've realized I can never lose my dignity. It's like, total freedom. No rules, no games, no "you did this to me and that was too far so see you never while I pick up what's left of my heart and bitch about it to anyone who will listen." Instead, it's more like "just try me. See what you can do and I'll still forgive you and I know my heart is protected by legions of angels. You can't get me to ever stop loving you." I'm safe no matter who I'm talking to or where I am.

Knowing the love of God is dangerous to a girl who doesn't know much about being scared because once you know that love, you know it's unstoppable. Infinite. Overflowing. Unconditional.

Missionary Positions: Doing it by doing nothing.

Oookay, I know I said I'd stop talking for a sec, but I think this is just the best way to describe what's been going on, in a couple of quotes from someone not me. That counts as listening right? Talking about listening? I've gotten pretty good at that recently...

Missionary Positions: Doing it by doing nothing.

We’ve each, to some degree, developed the socially acceptable self (the one that talks about the weather and how work is going and how the kids are doing) and hidden the real self (the one that says gray days make them sad and work is fleeting compared to your passion and the kids are slipping away because you’re never there).

Strutting our socially acceptable selves seems especially common among believers, where we feel the pressure to make disciples of all nations, and teach them the ways, and have the joy, joy, joy, joy down in our hearts.

But you know what I discovered?

In my effort to make disciples of my nonbelieving friends, I identified them as nonbelieving rather than simply my friend.

In my effort to teach them the ways, I told them the ways and disagreed with theirs.

In my effort to have that joy, joy, joy in my heart, I hidden the sad, sad, sadness that sometimes creeps in.

I was douchey. And completely unrelatable. (‘Cause, really. Who wants
to relate to a douche?)

So on my calendar, and in my heart, I’ve decreed a do-nothing day
mentality all day every day. Because when I see my friends as separate from their beliefs, they feel accepted. When I stop trying to convince people of my beliefs, they feel at ease. (Quite contrary to my get-paid-to-do-this mission of apologetics, by the way.) And when I share my sufferings with others, they feel safe to do the same.

In other words, my mission is to do nothing. Just be.

Amen sista.

loggin

Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, 'Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,' when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.



God's called me to do some listening and work on my logs, so it might be awhile before I post again.

blast from the past...

Okay, I know I should be doing homework right now...but I just wanted to share some old journal entries of mine that just blow my mind.

Sometime in late September, 2010

"I know it's been awhile since we really talked, but please believe my small prayers that I've thought--that I can't do all this without you. Life is so wonderful, but I'm being challenged and I really need your help & guidance. [lots left out, sorrryyyyy ;)] Please help me to recognize and acknowledge your presence in my life, and that my personality and self doesn't have to be sacrificed when I let you in. Please give me peace, clarity, and strength. Let me live my life favorably to you, so I can find my path and travel it with confidence and passion. I need you, MY God, my mentor, and the one and only being that can bring me out of all of this. If there is a higher power out there (which I know there is, my species is not the biggest thing out here), please show me how to follow you, because I only know a way that brings the world oppression, restriction, guilt, and corruption. Amen."

Haha...I couldn't help but put this one in first. It was the bookends of one of my first prayers. I really didn't want to believe that God or Christianity was real...because it was starting to be way too obvious, and it would get even more obvious.

Flash forward through many months of sad, sad entries...

April 2011

"Dear Jesus, thank you for bringing me so close to you the past two weeks. Your Light in my heart is overflowing, and just reading my letters to you (they weren't really addressed to You, but I know You heard) brings me so much joy because in my sin and doubt You made Your glory shine that much sweeter. Thank You for making my heart pure through Your death and defeat over the devil--through You all things are possible. I am sorry for all that I've been idolizing the past couple years [...] you know, the works. Please reveal to me any other things that I am idolizing, and give me the strength to change."

Uh oh...started praying to be convicted of things. Haha...this is when the 4-day hangover happened too. This is one of the things I wrote during that time:

May 2011

"There is a time to heal (Ephesians 3:3)
From your head to your toes there isn't a healthy spot. Bruises, cuts, and open sores go without care or oil to heal the pain (Isaiah 1:6)
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3)

Lord, I know I'm a piece of work, and that there are so many wounds I'm asking you to heal at this time. Please, I ask you to reach inside my heart and lift me up and transform me. My life is Yours to have--use me according to Your will. I am nothing without Your saving grace. I PRAISE Your for everything You have done thus far, for not giving up on me, for being a persistent father and showing me Your abounding love. Amen"

June 2011

"In other thoughts--
I want to GO somewhere. I am so bummed about not going to South Africa. I think I might go crazy not leaving Pullman this summer..."What do you think you're passionate about"...I                       whoa...spaced out moment. Anyways, I really want to be helping people in other countries. But I feel bad (ironicVVV)
Find your passion. Make your difference. [magazine clipping on the next page lol]
not helping the people in my own country, or even community, first. But these people have so much, I have so much...and its hard to find anyone truly happy. Why is everyone so sad here? I get sad here--planning and thinking up ways to get out keep me sane, yet once again I'm here!! I really do love the summer here, but I'm getting to the point where I want to spread my wings--suck the marrow of life, if you will. I want to meet people outside of my comfort zone, get out and actually make a difference in their lives and have them do the same for me in return. I want to seek the wisdom of the world, through the compassion and love that I now feel.

You know that feeling in your gut that sends chills? Or is that the couple sips of wine?

Sometimes, I feel more lost than ever. But most of the time, it just feels right."


Hahah, I don't think God let any part of my personality be lost in this process...He just cleaned up some of my junk and put love in its place. He's bound up my deep deep wounds and broken heart, and given me clarity and strength. He's letting me go, and I get to spread my wings and see the world through His eyes.

PTL

I'm racing I'm racing I'm racinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

I GOT IN <3

PRAISE THE LORD

ahhhhh and to think--just last year at this time I was going in to the WSU counselors to get counseling for partying too much---

now God has chosen me as an ambassador for the NATIONS.

the nations.

goodness gracious, redemption is beautiful.

the next two years are going to be insaneeeee. <3